Re: Bank Robbery Gone Bad
Quote:
Originally Posted by
wickedwordpLay
Contemplatin on how to make this quick cash
Either shank some rich fag or rob a bank and split fast
i'll run in there wit gauges intact and da safe will get snatched
If the plan is successful i'll break away wit big stacks.....
...A couple days later...
I drove up the street with guns in the seat
parked da ride and seen a dozen police in front of the scene
I lunged from da jeep and began bustin da heat
As i was shootin, a scared cop stuttered and screamed
"we have a suspect disruptin da peace, come wit a team!!"
I put da mask over my face
ran in yellin "give me da cash, open da safe, dont run or im trappin both escapes!"
da bitch lady quickly gave me the bags then chose to pray
Swat team came, I blasted da chrome away as they threw massive smoke grenades
I hit 3 of em in the back and shoulder blades
then shouted "u bastards go away!" as I ran fast for da closest gate
1 hostage got smart and grabbed ahold da gauge
put 2 holes in my waist and fractured da bones in place
I turned and quickly stabbed his dome wit blades then collapsed in total pain
I was injured and stunned, part of my ribs had been crushed
but I couldnt feel pain cuz of the adrenaline rush
I reloaded extra clips in da gun...
then shot a hostage that attempted to run, his life was ended at once
I lay on da ground bleedin then turned around screamin
"any cop found breathin will be bounded and beaten!"
they yelled "ur surrounded by 3 men, plus ur down and ur weakened!"
I got mad and started poundin da cement
then shot rounds towards da sounds of them speakin
Cops kept firin as I crawled by tha desk
I yelled "If yall are blockin my steps u'll get shot in da chest"
An officer said "u have no options left, u'll be killed or caught instead"
I felt constant regret realizin I shoulda never got in this mess
I was exhausted of breath and my garments were wet...
from blood mixed wit all of the sweat
I made a run for it but got popped in da head.... I thought i was dead
but woke up in a hospital bed surrounded by doctors and feds
id been charged wit murder, robbery, and theft
They sentenced me to 15 life sentences
If i could go back and do that shit again i'd do things quite different
I wont ever be able to see my wife or kids in this
or watch my son open nice christmas gifts or invite bitches in
In prison ima quiet citizen, always findin time to write endless shit
thats why i've written this for u guys to listen in
take my advice and think twice before finally givin in
cuz if u choose da wrong path u'll lose it all fast... life's a bitch isnt it?
I like every bit of this the story flows change the first line on the last paragraph tho its tight nominated in may defiantly
Re: Bank Robbery Gone Bad
Don't get me wrong at all, because this was a great piece. I think you had a great rhyme scheme, but it was a little sloppy. I like the overall read of it, but something was just off. I feel like you could've written the filler words better, but I like the style of it; how you are basically telling a story from beginning to end. Pretty sick, just think it needs to be cleaned up a bit yo.
Re: Bank Robbery Gone Bad
Overall liked the story line and flow but could use some rewording intensify it a little bit more. No hate man Keep Writing. Example you can use metaphorical skills to describe what situation ur in describe feelings scenary the people around u etc. use words to make it jump out to the reader. 1
if u can feedback on this link when u get time thanks
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...060/index.html
Re: Bank Robbery Gone Bad
Sawp. So the storyline wasn't original, but I thought you progressed the story pretty well. The beginning established some tone and written with good enough content to have a clear idea of what was going on. Another thing I enjoyed was the dialogue aspect of your piece which is not an easy technique to use, especially in the penultimate stanza. Because it was also between the cop and yourself, the two opposite worlds, it provided for some nice contrast. I like the comparison between getting caught in the ribs and being severly injured, yet having the adrenaline kick in and moving on with the mission. More complex lines like this will benefit you in the future.
As for the flow, it was ok, but watch the syllable count first, sometimes you have the innerrhyme on the off beat.. shorten up some of your bars to help this. For example, although the content was good, check this line out:
I was injured and stunned, part of my ribs had been crushed
but becuz of the adrenaline rush i couldnt feel pain when i lifted or budged
The 'stunned' and 'crushed' are fine, but the 'rush' and 'budged' fell a bit late and off the meter. You may hafto sacrifice certain inners in order to keep the meter, that'll be your choice. It's tough to do, but especially no punctuation in the second line is just read a bit awk. Another thing about the flow and rhyme scheme.. You have the inners down, but basically the whole piece read like this:
.......a........a
...........a.........a
...........b.........b
...........b.........b
Mix up the rhyme shceme to add a bit more variety.. it's tough to do when trying to advance in a story, but you will deff benefit from it eventually.
Finally, especially when talking about guns, you can make the language a bit more complex with metas and similies and virtually any comparisons. Some gunplay lines like 'I put the eagle to the dome like a Vick helmet', although a bit out of place, would again add variety.
Good piece, try and work on those things and stay up man. Feed returned
Re: Bank Robbery Gone Bad
thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it.
Re: Bank Robbery Gone Bad
Re: Bank Robbery Gone Bad
yooooooo
comment and leave a link and i'll return feedback
Re: Bank Robbery Gone Bad
dam bruh...this was cool...i kept on thinkin bout that movie THA TOWN...but they were so pro...this was cool tho...ur flow n ur concept were always perfectly matched up...good wording n nice story tellin skills...this was greatly enjoyed...def good shit...KEEP ON WRITING THAT GOOD SHIT BRUH!
Re: Bank Robbery Gone Bad
Good, but not great. The first paragraph didn't really transition well into the second line. Decent wording, rhyme scheme was pretty good. It seemed as if you were rushing this piece, no hate. I would suggest working on structuring your lines better and adding a few multi's to this piece. No hate bro. Keep @ it.
Re: Bank Robbery Gone Bad
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Jeffry
I would suggest working on structuring your lines better and adding a few multi's to this piece.
Multis? This had multis back to back.
Read clearly, or you must not know what multis are.
Re: Bank Robbery Gone Bad
lol flowed well in my head...
Re: Bank Robbery Gone Bad
I get this piece. Almost like some old school Kool G Rap "Ill Street Blues" type flow. The strong point of this drop was the storytelling. Some can't get it right by leaving critical parts out that make the story hop from one thing to another. Conceptually, the vocab and the sims were a little basic but not bad. With this I felt that if you didn't focus more on the storytelling, vocab would have made this drop garbage. Overall this is a strong drop with some improvement with using different adverbs and adjectives to describe things and actions that are going on in this piece.
Re: Bank Robbery Gone Bad
It was sloppy, but that don't even matter. This whole peice was like crack from start to finish. You got me hooked, lol. Very good wordplay, great choice of subject, and very good flow altogether. Keep rappin Wicked.