Need some good feedback

Alright, so I'm trying to write a rap to the "Like Toy Soldiers" instrumental:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pjaxzw4_MC4

I'm not the most lyrically sound, but I tried to get as many multis as I could while making my topic very clear. Pretty self-explanatory what it's about.

THIS IS MEANT TO GO TO BEAT, IT'S NOT JUST A WRITTEN, SO KEEP THAT IN CONSIDERATION!

Just looking for constructive criticism. If spit right, this should flow to the beat. Not claiming to have good flow, but if spit at the right tempo for each line, it should go to the beat. Some lines ARE faster or slower than others, sorry, that's how I like to write. Be harsh if you will, but note I've only been rapping for not too long and I know I'm not very good, but at least I'm trying.


EDIT: my life's always been tough, has always been real rough
people lookin' at me like i just wasn't good enough, for what?
they always had their standards, cast me out as a punk
the fuck, all i did was, i just stuck with my gut, but
i got caught on the beats from an early age, it made parents rage
they tried to get it out of my brain, they'd say
"it causes misbehavin'", they sayin', "it'll attract u to satan, they preyin' on the youth's swayin' persuasion"
but i knew better, i knew those were misperceptions
rap is a gift greater than christmas presents
it teaches you bout life, doesn't bullshit you
it instead helps you realize the cold-hard truths
that, not everything seen is as it seems, people go to extremes, to deny everything that lacks their regimes
the theme is that they like to crush rapper's dreams
they deem us products of mainstream, "just some scrapper teens"
"look at that kid, does he think he's black?"
"he's being brainwashed by all that nefarious rap"
i say, fuck that, not everyone who raps is a thug
rap isn't bout pimpin' hoes, or doin' all them worthless ass drugs
"they're making these kids into subliminal soldiers"
"i demand justice, i call, for criminal order!"
they try to bring us down, cause their minds are full of nothin' but hate
they look at us like we nothing but fuckin' primates
in the declaration it states we are all equal
then why the fuck can't we all just be treated like people?
not all of us rappers are doped-out addicts, it's tragic
we mad that you judge us only by our social status, it's madness


but that's not to say we don't overcome adversity
yet because i came from the "wrong parts" all of you curse on me
the only difference i see between me and all of you
is that, when it comes to music, i bleed it through and through
unlike a lot of people, i'm not such a bad guy, i've tried
but because i rap people seem to turn a blind eye
it's not criminal to write a heart-felt poem
so why the fuck can i not write down my thoughts and show em'
that rap is just another form of literature
except we're writin' bout life, not talkin' bout critter's fur
who the fuck is bambi? those stories make us all soft
i'd rather listen to Rabbit talk bout how his life's sucked
it doesn't seem fair that people treat us like dirt
for what's it's worth, we're all just people, killin' this earth
with all our hate, through this racism and media propaganda
i fucking hate all the haters, when i see em' i just can't stand em'
they spread lies to try and make us look incompetent
why the fuck can't we just end this fued, put a stop to it?
fighting won't help, it'll just cause more problems
instead of using agrression we should learn how to solve em'
it'll take work, but i'm willin', to do what it takes
even if it means comprimisin', for heaven's sake
we don't want to fight, all we want is some peace
but some people are so stubborn they want rap to decease
for what reason? i don't know, i guess they're ignorant
to what rap really is, and what rap really isn't
it's a lost form of art, that belongs in museums
rappers are just poets who don't censor their readers
we tell stories, that hit it home, right to the heart
yet we're critized for telling people that life is hard
but it's truth, and maybe one day, people will see
that we're just trying to help, not indoctrinate teens
unlike telivision and religion, that scare you into submission
they threaten you with fire if you're not a church-goin' Christian
that's persecution at it's finest, i doubt that's His plan
these people are not leaders, ya'll need to take a stand

ehh wasnt really feeling this...very very average verse with basic words up your vocab a lil bit and try to get the reader interested just a word of advice

I agree with Skitz.. very basic drop here. you did have a good rhyme scheme that was the high end to this. but the interest level was kinda low. your flow was ehh, you had extremly stretched lines. overall kinda put more time into and add some more vivid words to grasp interest of readers

Quote:

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Originally Posted by It's Fatal Homie

I agree with Skitz.. very basic drop here. you did have a good rhyme scheme that was the high end to this. but the interest level was kinda low. your flow was ehh, you had extremly stretched lines. overall kinda put more time into and add some more vivid words to grasp interest of readers

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Thanks, will return the feed after my football game guys.

Also, I changed it up a bit, as how I spit it, it had the exact same rhythm (in my head) as Like Toy Soldiers and Sing For The Moment by Eminem. Is it frowned upon if I record a song with an instrumental if I don't make any money or anything like that? The BPM that I spit this out doesn't fit well with almost every song, but it fits perfect with this two in my revised version.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...72&postcount=7

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...3&postcount=11

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...76&postcount=5

upping

not sure if it's against the rules, let me know if it is

upping

not sure if it's against the rules, let me know if it is

I just finished the song to the beat, let me know what you guys think. I used simple vocabulary on purpose, as that's how the real song is. I tried to make the story as clear as possible throughout, I only went a bit off topic on the last few lines to make a point, and compare to another topic where they need to "take a stand".

this was okay, man. it went over the beat pretty nicely. the way you write can use some touching up- like, more metaphors, similes, or just anything in general to make it more emotional and grabbing. hey, you did good though, I'm not complaining. i don't know if you have a mic or not, but you should give this a shot, go audio with it. the rhyme schemes you used were nice- kept the flow smooth and on point with the beat.. keep writing.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bizarre

this was okay, man. it went over the beat pretty nicely. the way you write can use some touching up- like, more metaphors, similes, or just anything in general to make it more emotional and grabbing. hey, you did good though, I'm not complaining. i don't know if you have a mic or not, but you should give this a shot, go audio with it. the rhyme schemes you used were nice- kept the flow smooth and on point with the beat.. keep writing.

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Thanks for the feed, will RTF tomorrow morning. I want to try audio, but I can't rap for shit (I got good flow, voice sucks though), so that's the only reason I haven't yet.

uppin' for some more feedback. will RTF