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Sun
We were happy once, days in bed just wasting time
chasing sights, surfing the web, sharing amazing finds.
It was a basic life, but worth the effort we put in
sex all over the house, not one place we did not sin.
After 3 months we had news, good news and lots of it
sat on a stool outside the bathroom, the test read back positive,
- we stood blue. Contemplating life and an extra pair of feet
but we came around to the idea not long after, maybe 2 weeks.
We sold the car, bought a saloon, you know the shit you do
trying to become the family man the way they expect you to.
9 months in the making, we're ready... we're embracing this,
been through good and bad, how hard can it be to raise a kid?
Sat in the hospital that night, pacing a line like I was on a tether
but to produce a diamond, you need a certain degree of pressure
After it was far from leisure, sleepless nights. it sort of bored me
our pillow talk turned from foreplay to listening to the walkie talkie
mess all over the home, we'd grown an hurricane to rage our house
we blamed each other for not doing enough, if we could see us now.
Changing diapers was no easy task, the feat was passed between us
the feelings of love kept us believing that, he'd grow to be a phoenix.
Rebirthing in our flames, blazing a trail in life and we'd help him fly,
until the end of time we'd hold his hand and in our grasp he'd see the sky.
We'd put him to sleep at night, guarded by an entourage of plush toys
bedtime story, night light on. His face flushed with happiness. Just joy.
Awoke the next morning to no sound, he must be settling down a bit,
so we slept in a little later, in every rest we could find we'd drown in it.
Went to check afterwards, our hearts sunk, we just wanted to up and run
there was no sign of life any more just a plush doll shaped like a son/sun.
The doctors arrived, it was enough to make both of us cry, all night.
What we'd taken for granted, gone, the bottom of the bottle felt like a knife.
The doctor said he'd suffocated to death in his sleep, he was weak.
what we'd mistaken for peace had become war with ourselves in our dreams,
and yet the good die young, he wasn't given a chance... he was done
the only chances I have any more are seeing his face when I'm drunk.
The funeral was as expected, hard to bare... I wish I was dead instead
It's funny how the smallest coffins although light seem to be the heaviest.
The night has settled. Our sun has set.
And we're left just plodding onwards...
Looking for the light that left.
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Re: Sun
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Re: Sun
I hope to god this isn't a true story.
This tugged at my heart dude. One of the saddest endings I've ever read. This was beautifully told, you did great with the story. The flow was hit and miss but It never got so bad that I didn't feel a rhythm. One flaw I can point out is that in one line you used house twice. Thats a no no in terms of keeping your read balanced. Emotion was this pieces overwhelming strong point aside from the storytelling.
This was a great read Andy.
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Re: Sun
Wow. I'm on my phone so I can't feed this atm but I want
to so I'll come back to it once I'm on the pc.
This pulls heart strings hard.
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Re: Sun
If this is true, im sorry for your loss. If not, this was one hell of emotional rollercoaster of a story. Great display of imagery and keeping the readers attention the whole way through. Also liked the multi's and rhyme schemes u used as well. i know u got that UK accent as some were hard to grasp with my American accent, but when i read it with yours, it hit well. I really dug the ending with the internals. Very intense and surreal at the same time. .excellent piece my brutha.
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Re: Sun
This is a really dope piece. I love the rising action and the climactic ending. The rhyme scheme is on point, you have some well placed multis and the language isn't overly-embellished so as to hurt the flow. This read smooth and maintained dramatic tension up to the very end. My only critique is the son/sun term. I think you should just pick the one most relevant to the line and allow the reader to discover the metaphore naturally (that is the fun of reading, afterall). This is a powerful piece. I look forward to reading more.
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Re: Sun
Thanks for the feed all of you. I'll try and return the favour at some point in the near future. lol
Also, it did happen to a family member but not to me for all those wondering.
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Re: Sun
imagery/flow/emotions/twists/
were all in this piece.. good read and dope written -
so much realness in this piece and the story behind it was well executed
the wording was well done to bring imagery to the reader
really a good read right here - you executed each emotion in proper placement leading the powerful ending.
intense, good job man
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Re: Sun
Android, you did well to write such a heartfelt, emotional piece.
The anxiety that was reflected, the loneliness the mixed emotions, drunken state and the wishing to be dead instead, were all a slap in the face for the reader. Even the trauma of the parents waking and finding out what had happened, sent shock waves through me.
I can’t understand what it would be like to have this happen and yet I know, so many parents have this happen to them.
I think you explained the psychology of before and after the event really well. Putting heaps of details in.
The pregnancy test, the anticipation of the new baby, from changing cars to the excitement that it involves bringing a baby home.
And… “After it was far from leisure, sleepless nights. it sort of bored me
our pillow talk turned from foreplay to listening to the walkie talkie”….lol classic.
After the death, we realize that parental guilt is merciless. We go through it all with you.
You took us there. That shows strength as a writer, strength as a man, and a beautiful empathy that can’t be taught.
I can’t imagine what these people went through. That empty space in their home and heart that,
I don't know if it will ever heal.
You wrote something very sad.
Probably the saddest thing I’ve ever read on this site, and ironically, you showed us with amazing words and dignified emotion, a shocking, unbelievable fall from innocence.
Amazing piece.
Great read