~>Quicksand<~

I'm lost in my own paved rode/
With rage that is about to overload/
I'm freezing but also burning up/
I have so much & not enough/
I'm here but I'm being erased/
I come back only to be missplaced/
I feel lost but I'm easy to find/
You think I'm here But I'm left behind/
Maybe some day i'll get to move on/
Alot of people i've loved has already gone/
I'm fallin to a place where i can't be found/
there I scream but i can't even make a sound/
The end draws near I'm shivering & shaking/
You all know The famous actor in life,"Me" "i'm faking"/
I'm only 15years old,just made it to 10th grade/
I'm watching my life clearly away it'l fade/
I'm sinking in a pool of quicksand/
I'm looking but i never find any land/

Can i get sum feedback on this???

?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????

The end draws near I'm shivering & shaking/
You all know The famous actor in life,"Me" "i'm faking"/

thats the best line out of it

cant really say much

dope peice could have been a lil longer with more content

THanx it is longer....that's not even half of it..ppl won't read it it's so long~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

dats not it all?? yo u should of posted it all so we can realli see wot its bout, ders no point puttin half of it. flowed nicley and good content, like to see tha rest tho. keep it up
peace~roX~

I'm freezing but also burning up/
~Niacin Can Do That If Its Cold Outside..And Help You~
~Pass Urinalysis Tests...Decent Imagery To Start Off With~
~Going Deeper The Only Thing It Lacks~

I have so much & not enough/
I'm here but I'm being erased/
I come back only to be missplaced/
I feel lost but I'm easy to find

~Your Wordplay Picked Up And Definately Got Better~

I'm sinking in a pool of quicksand/
I'm looking but i never find any land/


~Could Sound Better Reworded..Do Not ~
~Take Constructive Criticism To Heart You Have Talent~

Alright Piece Carmine..Catchy Name...Peace

umm decent piece i really felt some deep lines and i agree it should have been posted in its entirety(sp?) but i liked wut i saw and ur young yet u held wisdom in your bars i like that, stay up, 1luv.

I am not surprised to read this one isnt complete. When I read it, it didnt feel 'finished' to me, like I was left not really knowing how you came out of it.
Nice lines though, vivid and real.. Good Piece, but post the entirety next time so we can travel the entire journey with you and not just half of it :)

Very deep within your own self, yet not so much so i found it hard to comprehend. But hey, that may just be me and how one can 'relate'.

An interesting piece though. The emotions were there, poured out to be washed in. The imagery strong, re-inforcing the 'sculpture' that one guides there hands around, feeling it out..

And it has been brought to attention that you left out half of it because you felt it'd be too long. I think you should post up the piece in it's entirity, and let this one fall into the nether regions of the scriptures. Maybe get one of us to close it.

...resp...