Swimming with Sharks

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v3...nwithShark.jpg

Swimming With Sharks

A black mist engulfs reason, clouds obscure and blur logical visions
Excuses change with the seasons, encouraging prolonged indecision
Peers took bites from me, served as a resource for people’s endless needs
Carnivores feed and devour the weak, I was left alone and deceived
Relief? I always missed it, opportunities teased and disappeared in instants
Goals and dreams were specs in the distance, listened to whats nonexistent
Looked down on was frowned upon, conformed to the life I was told to live
As time went on I grew less strong, torn apart by society’s mind tricks
I mourned my lost voice, submerged and drowning in the depths of life
Inability to make my own choice, without first seeking outside advice
True relationships were lost, suspicion chewed away at those strong bonds
No familiar shoulders to cry on, those who had listened were long gone
Life was never simple to handle, nothing good was given to me free
Obstacles were stalking in my shadows, troubles were just meant to be
Followed time’s chosen path, footsteps echoed off waves of barricades
Swallowed sympathy‘s wrath, elusive problems shifted from day to day
I made my way through infested pools, waded through souls as lost as me
Found out I could be somewhat useful, and finally discovered lost originality
Learned from mistakes and past events, Im always present in lifes free class
Stronger with every hurdle passed, matured and picked the locks off traps
Remove the shades that blind uniqueness, allow me to shed light on purpose
No longer will I be rendered speechless, seek adventures below the surface
Ignore negatives people tend to say, I live to live and dare to be daring
And everything will turn out ok, complications are usually temporary
Shadows may lurk but I show no fear, confront my ghosts and persevere
Wipe my past so my future is clear, inspired by the image in the mirror
When facing limitations in everyday situations…
Go and push forward with all your heart
No deviation when faced with intimidation…
Hold your ground when swimming with sharks

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=157835
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=157767

I was feeling this. Very deep, passionate. You have a way with words, just the way every emcee should. But fortunately, not everyone does so lyrics like this will stand out even when not in the limelight. Great imagery, the flow was on point. Vocab was right for the occasion. Its refreshing when you can say more with less. But overall, very nice post, you can definetly feel that you put something behind it. Major props, I'll be reading more of your work in the future.

And you're from Minnesota too, just caught that lol. Big ups!

I'm not sure of the reason as to why everyone in this site is sleepin on this piece; all I do know is that they're missing out. As always, the vivid imagry you capture is breathtaking and at times painstakingly real, keep it up. :)

I also noticed that this has a more uplifting message than some of your other work, nice to see some variety in your compositions. What does remain, however, is your everlasting aptitude for fusing words together to form in a seamless and seemingly effortless manner. I deeply respect and highly admire your handiwork, and the innate ability you have that fuels it. :thumbup:

^ Who is this, he needs to post more on RB. Yeah Lyric has elevated much since I first took interest in him as a poet. The fact that you appreciate his work and leave a very positive reply wins many point with me, you really need to post more on this site. I'll be looking for your posts.

Lyric, I wish you the best of luck in our match in WOPII man, I much rather have faced you in the final two...

Respect

Word...I was hpin to see you in the finals Bounce...uppin for replies from people not from Minnesota lol

this was fuckin immacculate1 great job, and GREAT vocb. i really dont have anything more to say about it, other than keep it up.

upp

anyone? Dont sleep

I gave you feed on this over AIM once. Good imagery, but especially, your abilities with metaphors and depth has become a great deal better. Good stuff. Hit up my Silver-lined Clouds in my siggy. All I want is someone who will read it and tell me your thoughts. Thank lyric, Peace.

I told you already that I thought this was real good but I think I'll give you a lot more detail now than I gave before; I have half an hour free now and I'm gonna dedicate it to your piece. I'm gonna give you some constructive criticism too, that might sound a little harsh; bear in mind that even though I'm criticising it, I still thought it was really, really dope. :thumbup:

..Okay, so.. I really love the way you've worded everything that you've said. The execution of your message was almost flawless. I could not have done a better job myself. But with respect, with the picture you were given, I thought that it was entirely the wrong approach. You were not given the title: "Swimming with Sharks" - you were given a picture. A picture of a shark, with a surfer only a few feet away from it.

Ask yourself: if you were actually there, in the scene that the picture captures, would you tell that guy to "hold his ground?" No? ...Hell no, I didn't think so!

So where else could you go with it? I think if I was given this pic I would most likely treat the shark as if it was an unseen enemy, a spy, or maybe even a traitor of some description. I might have even taken a totally abstract approach and given it a completely different context (just to mess with people's heads), and then use the whole shark scenario as an analogy to relate with the story that was being told.

...You could have done that, it's clearly quite within your capabilities as a writer, I think you just need to display you're imagination to a greater extent. Imagination is really one half to writing topicals. You could also have written the verse in a completely literal sense and simply told the story of the shark accident. And that could actually be very innovative if you thought it through properly.

Structurally, the piece is sound. It's really just one long verse, but it works nicely. And syntactically, it's decent, it maybe could do with some work in places, but generally it was very well constructed and thought out throughout. Maybe thats just me being picky though. Like I said, I'm just in the mood to criticise today.

Anyway, good looks, I hope it goes well. I read your piece for this round, and it's very nice indeed. You have nothing to fear from people like Bounce if you write to your potential! Good luck with everything you do son, I'll be watching to see what happens this round. I hear it two-nil Bounce right now - Don't give up hope yet!

aight this was a really good piece...especially because i feel i can relate to 90% of what your saying....as someone said before me..you have a way with words..and allthough your lines were long..they were not crammed...as strange as this sounds..i can't find anything to complain about accept that it wasn't as good as it could have been...i can't tell you right now how it could have been better...but when I figure out what it's missin...you'll be the first to hear about it..............very nice drop though....keep writin

I love Jekyll..thanks...more please?

hey man, what else can i say besides good peice?... i enjoyed reading it, the vocab was all there, it had a high sense of imagery... just stay up and be easy ~1~

I thought I'd shows some respect where its due and give you some proper criticism. I know only too well how frustrating it is to pour your heart out and then have responces like "it was deep man" or "you had nice emotion and vocab" and whatnot. I just wanted to set an example for these kids nah sayen?

- And I love you too sweetie-pie :love:

Great piece Lyric.. not much I could see wrong.. structure was just fine, had a good flow let made the read smooth.. GREAT imagery.. glad you can put the image in my head w/out me having to try.. big props for that.. I loved how you ended it.. really left a good taste in my mouth.. some pieces can start strong, but end on a dull note.. not this one, you maintained a good level consistency throughout.. which makes for a dope all-around piece, not just one part of it bein' dope.. so good job on this man.. i'm doper tho = )

tha rhyme structure on this was sicc... i like when peeps can execute tha a-b-a-b rhymes correctly... tha choice of words was near perfection... i thought tha whole verse was one big metaphor and ya get props for that... i notice a lot of peeps is droppin' that deep shit but this is by far tha best i've seen on this site so far... keep droppin' it... peace...

check me out...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=158765

Great peice man, i love the way your worded it. I know you probably get tired of reading the same things over and over again but what can i say, this was really nice. The flow was so smooth, and imagery was great as well. I actually thought you done a great job as far as the creativity and idea goes. Your opener and ending was nice also. Dope drop man, keep it up. You seem to do nothing but elevate more each time you drop.

peace,
Mez

that is dope, everythin was amazin, you got a way with words, every possible skill you need, metphors, imagery etc. amazin...keep it up no doubt

shit nice work lyric deep as a diamond mine bro... i would nominate it but i think it already has been.. no need for props you got them already.. nice work..
oh thanks for the battle to bro

No, I never got nominated for this...thanks for the replies guys

yo wazz good homies

uppin this

few more

DOPE, just plain D-O-P-E......

errr....and real critiques?

this is an extremely good piece, i read ti earlier..didn't drop a reply...im still too busy now, but ill nod this for om of the month...nto legendary but definitely deserves an om of the month

well, it is a very compelling piece,
Stronger with every hurdle passed, matured and picked the locks off traps
Remove the shades that blind uniqueness, allow me to shed light on purpose
these were your best lines because i actually had to stink what u met by on purpose for a few seconds, the rest of the poem was good but maybe to obvious. also poems can rymme, but also a rhyme i most effevtive in the righ spots, and last comment, something is noticed when u have a pattern and it all is abrupted, not the other way around. but the piece was very fluid

Quote:

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Originally Posted by The Ruckus

I was feeling this. Very deep, passionate. You have a way with words, just the way every emcee should. But fortunately, not everyone does so lyrics like this will stand out even when not in the limelight. Great imagery, the flow was on point. Vocab was right for the occasion. attitude quotes Its refreshing when you can say more with less. But overall, very nice post, you can definetly feel that you put something behind it. Major props, I'll be reading more of your work in the future.

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yes, you are right...

Great piece glad it was upped... needed to hear it.

- - - Updated - - -

Remember how when the tide would pull in you’d see the baby sharks getting pushed in with the waves and you could see them all swimming? We used to swim with sharks all the time but I got scared for real when they started biting!