A couple bars im stuck on

Thx for reading guys. First off im not a battler , i rap about political issues , life , the government, world peace , things like that. And i need some help , sometimes i get stuck when writing....this is what i have so far

When I try harder
My goals just move farther and farther away
I still reach for'em..
untill my grave imma keep goin
knowin my place within this rat race
and its wit god homie
im now fully conscious
you cannot control me
im tired of the nonsense
your governemnt is phony
and im payin taxes?
i think you owe me..
and explanation why Americas Failing us

Thats what i have so far....how do guys feel about my lyrics. Are the clear, understandble, simple enough or maybe too simple? lemme know plz any critique is greatly appreciated. Ty

When I try harder My goals just move farther and farther away
I still reach for'em..untill my grave imma keep goin knowin my place within this rat race
and its wit god homie im now fully conscious
you cannot control me im tired of the nonsense
your governemnt is phone and im payin taxes?
i think you owe me.. and explanation why Americas Failing us

Well first off you need to structure your verses with the rhyming part at the END of each line,it helps the reader,and will help the flow of the verse...

spit me another 4 lines of something else...so i can see if you understand..i'll be waiting...

Thx for the help hulk. So the way i started was kind of confusing or hard to follow? Ill keep the structure tip in mind. I spit the rest i just wrote for you...

With a needle in the arm of a patriot
still got my faith but i don't think god savin us
lettem lead the way i can see where they takin us
Illuminati slaves while their fingers get the paper cuts
...more money
still they don't have enough
the greed from the top seat is obvious

With a needle in the arm of a patriot
still got my faith but i don't think god savin us
lettem lead the way i can see where they takin us
Illuminati slaves while their fingers get the paper cuts
Nicely written,no lie...

but the 2 lines after that were a little short compared to the bars above..Just watch out that you dont make your lines too short,yes lines can be too stretched,but they can also be too short...
but already i see an improvement,it flows well,and is easy to read,but most of all them first 4 lines were well written,props...

thx hulk. If some lines are too short should i use filler words to make it longer? or just scrap it and come up wit something different...i don't want to sound like im rambling and stuff.

Some filler words are ok,not loads though..there is always a longer way of saying what ever you want,without blabbering..lol

lol thats true. thx for the help bro. Do you write songs as well as battle?

Yeh i write songs to beats,battle,and do text written verses in OM..

you'll see me all over the open mic section..lmao,go check it

lol coooo i got you

No, lines can be 3 words and still work as a line.. never ever use filler words just for the sake of it. Sometimes setting your work out as the rhyme on the line below helps add to the feeling of the piece and the line is delivered different.

Hulk, I'm glad your willing to help these newbs out.. but you haven't even mastered the techniques yourself yet, your giving out bad advice.

well what i can say is to be a writer stop thinking...

you shouldnt be dwelling or tryna analyze your writing, at least not if its a song or written piece.

fuck structure and line limits etc, if youre writing a song its to a beat with a flow
if its an om, it doesnt really matter as much...

just let go and write, i see in your piece you are trying multies, but their is too many and they are too basic so they sound choppy....

just relax and visualise what you wish to portray, practice makes perfect but i suppose a certin talent is required to become a great writer


When I try harder
My goals just move farther and farther away
I still reach for'em..
untill my grave imma keep goin
knowin my place within this rat race
and its wit god homie
im now fully conscious
you cannot control me
im tired of the nonsense
your governemnt is phony
and im payin taxes?
i think you owe me..
and explanation why Americas Failing us

^ its a bit basic, lack of feelin and emotion...theres a way to say things and its not so much what is said but sometimes how you portray what you mean....
dont get it twisted tho, you dont have to rhyme seven syllables in every bar, go crazy with rhyme schemes or choose stupidly big words, just kick back and flow what comes out

example off the dome ..

My perservation is relentless, i feel im on fire
My scripts are the tyre which i roll thru the mire
Of life, and my strife is a struggle a second
Im a warrior in mind, and words are my weapons
To devour the haters, my writtens on papers
Unshackle the chains as i struggle thru capers
Reading the papers, the grind and the trouble
Im stuck in a landslide the dust and the rubble


basically use metas/similes/wordplay/multies etc....BUT dont think to put them in, it will stifle you if you think i must use a metaphor here etc, just practice and let go

pz

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Big Question

well what i can say is to be a writer stop thinking...

you shouldnt be dwelling or tryna analyze your writing, at least not if its a song or written piece.

fuck structure and line limits etc, if youre writing a song its to a beat with a flow
if its an om, it doesnt really matter as much...

just let go and write, i see in your piece you are trying multies, but their is too many and they are too basic so they sound choppy....

just relax and visualise what you wish to portray, practice makes perfect but i suppose a certin talent is required to become a great writer


When I try harder
My goals just move farther and farther away
I still reach for'em..
untill my grave imma keep goin
knowin my place within this rat race
and its wit god homie
im now fully conscious
you cannot control me
im tired of the nonsense
your governemnt is phony
and im payin taxes?
i think you owe me..
and explanation why Americas Failing us

^ its a bit basic, lack of feelin and emotion...theres a way to say things and its not so much what is said but sometimes how you portray what you mean....
dont get it twisted tho, you dont have to rhyme seven syllables in every bar, go crazy with rhyme schemes or choose stupidly big words, just kick back and flow what comes out

example off the dome ..

My perservation is relentless, i feel im on fire
My scripts are the tyre which i roll thru the mire
Of life, and my strife is a struggle a second
Im a warrior in mind, and words are my weapons
To devour the haters, my writtens on papers
Unshackle the chains as i struggle thru capers
Reading the papers, the grind and the trouble
Im stuck in a landslide the dust and the rubble


basically use metas/similes/wordplay/multies etc....BUT dont think to put them in, it will stifle you if you think i must use a metaphor here etc, just practice and let go

pz

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thx for the tips BQ. I do think a lot....way too much. Is not thinking the easiest way to stray away from being to basic in my rhymes? I try to read alot and think about different analogies to help me be a bit more creative. The bars u wrote off the dome were real nice. Ill get there soon i hope...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Seyance

No, lines can be 3 words and still work as a line.. never ever use filler words just for the sake of it. Sometimes setting your work out as the rhyme on the line below helps add to the feeling of the piece and the line is delivered different.

Hulk, I'm glad your willing to help these newbs out.. but you haven't even mastered the techniques yourself yet, your giving out bad advice.

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When I wrote the short lines , i was actually thinking about how i was gonna make the beat do the rest of the fills for the line like maybe an adlib or something like that.

thx again guys

Start using multi's to influence your flow more..

When I try harder
My goals just move farther and farther away
I still reach for'em..
untill my grave imma keep goin
knowin my place within this rat race
and its wit god homie

vs

When I try harder today,
My goals just move farther and farther away
But, i still reach for'em..
and untill my grave imma keep goin
Because knowin' where i am in this rat race,
helps me stay away from last place..

Rhyme more than the end syllable.. 'rat-race / last-place' 'hard-er to-day / farth-er a-way'.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ZachLipscomb

thx for the tips BQ. I do think a lot....way too much. Is not thinking the easiest way to stray away from being to basic in my rhymes? I try to read alot and think about different analogies to help me be a bit more creative. The bars u wrote off the dome were real nice. Ill get there soon i hope...

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Im not saying dont think and that will fix it, sure you have to think...
i guess i meant, dont over analyze...

i mean it may be different from you, but i personally only get stuck when i stop and think "what should i write next"

when your learning its best to continue, like freestyling you just keep going till eventually it falls into place even if you stumble, stutter and talk complete bollocks along the way



and best way to practice multies is spit em, go as quick as you can

in time you will go from having to think about dropping 2-3 syllables to just writing 3-4-5-6 syllables without even realising, it just becomes second nature, like anything really

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Seyance

No, lines can be 3 words and still work as a line.. never ever use filler words just for the sake of it. Sometimes setting your work out as the rhyme on the line below helps add to the feeling of the piece and the line is delivered different.

Hulk, I'm glad your willing to help these newbs out.. but you haven't even mastered the techniques yourself yet, your giving out bad advice.

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Dude...suck my dick....you're critiqing me? get the fuck out of here

And why would you start telling him to start multies if that isnt his style? i use multies,but i didnt tell this dude to,he has his own style,he just needs to tweak it...

The use of multi's would make his verses better. E.g. When I added them, his verse had the same feeling but flowed better. I don't know who you think you are.. but your not very good. Which is why you gave him bad advice...

Dude you suck shut up,do something

i appreciate what you both had to say , its all love ya'll. we all are growing...

Peace,some people on here just got a finger roll up their ass dude,but they wont battle me...

yet i'm wack?lol...haters

lol

word, hulk is such a formidable opponent no one will battle him

^Guy speaks the truth

i know....i checked out your battles. dope.

Personally, i dont think it really matters how you write the rhyme if you're going to rap it. these text heads have a different perspective because they, in some form or fashion, rely on visual structure to convey a message..which is cool, thats how their gig works.

If you're going to rap this verse, i suggest you dont take anyones advice about how to structure your rhymes. you dont want to fall outta your comfort zone, and if you're more comfortable writing in the fashion your verse is here, then stick with it.

Now, about your verse. i dont think theres much wrong with it honestly, its not that bad. its def not very complex and seems to me that its direction is a bit rushed. its begins as if you're going to speak about the hardships of life..and then you rush in with the political shit. your opening bars arent very justified by the political comments afterwards, nor is the political shit justified in itself. why do you think the gov. is phony? you shouldnt really assume we know what you're talking about just because its general knowledge that the gov. is fucked up.

something like:

Plus, yall know the government is phony..
Always lyin' in they speeches, just to keep me voting..

now its justified, stating what i think is making the gov. phony. "and i'm payin' taxes, i think you owe me" just isnt enough. the taxes line isnt specific enough, it doesnt directly address the issue of why the gov. is phony, it only adds another unjustified issue. we all pay taxes, why shouldnt you pay taxes? its like saying, the government is phony because we follow along with its rules. what do they owe YOU for?..everybody is gettin' jerked..ya feelin' me?..


Payin taxes to the man, so he can make his rockets fly..
Every time he goes to war, uncle sam taps my pockets dry..

your rhyme should be constructed like a thesis. begin with a statement that makes a clear point to set the tone of your verse. every line following, or bar following for that matter, should always redirect back to that initial point. constantly reaffirming the issue, which in this set seems like you wanna go in the direction of why America is fucked. what i'm sayin' is, we wont know why America is fucked if you dont tell us. you just cant assume we understand through general statements. rap is not for the listener to interpret, but for the rapper to interpret to the listener, in our rap language, ya feelin me?..

give that shit a try, and then come back here and show us what'chu got, and i'll try to help you further..



-10

wow i c , thx for the tips franky. i always worry about that problem. If i make general statements i better justify it in the preceding lines correct? I cant just assume ya'll know what im thinking huh. Thats kinda tough too...

the way we think specifically about general issues arent going to be the same. in that respect, think of it as if you're explaining the details rather than just noticing what contains them. you say you prefer to rap about politics, so deliver the nature of the threat, rather than merely acknowledging it exists..

-10

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Big Question

word, hulk is such a formidable opponent no one will battle him

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True dat, haha.

i remember the days when i thought like that...its a noob thing