Contendors: Dex'Labb vs Dev [Dex wins]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...642/index.html

Rules and Regulations. Drop by Saturday, Vote by Monday.

checkedy check check...

G'luck

good luck bro, in!

Guilty Pleasure

They say it's a sickness that I'm afflicted with
an illness, which like a twitch just hits
un-medicated it gripped with tight fist and stripped...
my head, violated it, like I did to the dead...
the court room filled with dread as they read...
the evidence, the gore perfumed and spread
infesting gent's head's down to leg's all tense...
drenched in the scent of fear with ear's lent...
over my defense's attempts to clear my name
laying blame on a mind frame decayin' from pain
I found it strange, kinda lame, them thinkin' I'm insane
when im drinkin' from the same cup as they are...
it's just camouflaged in my corrupt take on Art

He played the part, my lawyer deployed a blinder
annoyed the gallery behind, the noise a reminder
I destroyed broken china with porcelain morgue sin's
got my endorphin's coursing in water like dorsal fin's
I made the floor cringe... the way I break the law
desiccating jaws, tasting before rigamortis set's
it's - life after death, just without any breath...

Evil manifests, a jester without humor...
a minstrel with a tune of death, a consumer
I'm an undertaker, a groomer, opportunistic
rumored sadistic, with my lunar lit sick shit
coffin's inscribed get me lost in taboo
a beauty that flew, drew a 3D silhouette
left behind in my chapel of rest to molest...
I regress to a primeval necro heathen
undressed sex-show's, breast's with no feeling
suppressed with no screaming, an ideal mix
a real living demon, not twisted just transfixed

leaving a gift for the crypt... now back to court
I was acquitted, it caused an uproar as I walked
able to afford I bought the best defense, I spent it...
fee's received from the bereaved prevented...
a sentence, in a sense victim's paid for my crimes
they died I played, then the money made saved mine

...Let the irony shine!

Dev I appreciate it man, thanks for bein' humble, had to
beast this out in 3 hrs Lol,


Strawberry Marble

1979

"I got a contact on the inside, she said tonight..
& All I know is there's this beat up house on Weston Dr.."
"Get your gun, gonna be 20 kilo's of powder..
we intercept & live the life..caviar, casinos & chowder"
n' The flashin' slots graze his mind..like a bayonet
"Ok, let's steak out the joint, time to pay my debts.. "
They wait for the moon, the vibe is...vague in esque,
A black Cadillac arrives, two men entertain the steps..
They slither int'a the house.. "Quick, get out & let's go!"
from the side window, they spot a mountain'a coke..
both of em' strapped, their slugs eager to cook..
They kick in the door, two shots pump each'a the crooks..
the Buyer tried to run but, one feed's him a hook..
as he's fallin', trigger pulled, slug released & it took..
"Hurry, Pack the Coke in the bags, she MIGHT show!”
just as they bout' to leave..the contact arrives home..
"You said you would arrest them! you didn't catch em'?”
“MY HUSBAND!," she grabs a dead crook's Smith & Wesson..
"Calm down Ma'am!!," She noticed a body on the floor...
raising her gun..they clap her with the shotty & she snores..
“snotty little whore,” her body rotting on the porch..
As their tail lights dissapear into a foggy Winter storm...

31 Years Later..

Last week, I recieved a call From a Janice Douglas..
said it's urgent, her nephew has been actin' upset..
The guy's got Cerebral Palsy..But she, can't debunk this..
Her Nephew made some drawings I just HAVE to come get..
Heading to the house today..Auntie keen & perched
"BUCK, we have a visitor, he's here to see your work..."
Buck emerged from the den, said akwardly, "Har-lo"
"Har-lo..Ster-aw-berry!! S-S-Ster-aw-berhy Mar-bleee!!"
"Oh, he loves that ice cream..." she said quite playfully..
my impatience peaked, "show me what I came to see.."
The Auntie took me upstairs, to Buck's room n' quarters
Walking inside, a plether of crayons intrude the borders..
I notice a drawing on the wall, it's quite a lucid picture..
A Cemetary labelled "Rolling Flats," and two human figures..
One was labelled BUCK (: and the other "Mike Faraday"
Buck even included my Police jacket and grey hair toupe..
My throat is dry.."Buck and I should have a talk"
"Let me take him to Rolling Flats, it's only half a block.."

Rolling Flats Cemetary..

I got Buck Dairy Queen before visiting the Flats..
Figured it would shut him up so he'd limit me to facts..
We arrive at the cemetary, he turns to a glowing state
His face is red and lusterous..although I know he ain't..
He walks towards the gates, "Are yooh Fahloowing Mikey?"
I trail behind, heart singing a hollow, undefined beat...
He reaches a point where the land dips down in a slump...
and at the bottom is a grave surrounded by trunks...
Resting his hands on the grave, with a valient touch...
Encircling the initials M.D., with an empowering love...
"M.D.?" I ask...He whispers.."This Ihs Mohmmyies Bed.."
I stare at the initials, filled solumn with regret..
theatric when her heart stopped, frozen on the crest
of the heavens, who could forget the rotting flesh?
"I'm sorry..Buck..But I don't know who your Mother was.."
He turned toward me, "Auntie told what-er YOU does.."
"Marie didn't do ANYTHING...She..said whe'd B fine!!"
That name I can recal...must'a been around 79'...
My contact from the bust, I was one'a the dirtiest cops..
"Auntie Seen YOU, She was HIDING, yoh Hurtted-ed Mom!!"
I reach for my revolver, but it was inadvertently gone..
Buck raised my Walper into the sky, churning to cock..
"I...I'm sorry Buck...I'm sorry I shot her, I didn't know...
I thought she was a crook, Oh God..please..don't!!!"
There's a silence in the distance, calm before the storm
a Click. then a BANG. then a bodybag dejour.

.
.
.

Buck stopped for a moment, speachless..a partial habbit..
But his eyes filled with tears, redemption is part of passion..
He smiled, glancing at the hedgestone; the art of madness..
red blood like Strawberry, leaking down the Marble granite..

dev -

ive never before really been tuned in to your writing .. just for w/e reason i kind of skipped it over because i either wasnt familiar with it or had read something i didnt like in the past .. but this was pretty dope. your flow was choppy in parts and your wording a bit sloppy, but looking past that your overall idea and execution were definitely on point. it was a cool take on the topic, even moreso because you came up with it all yourself. i liked how you switched scenes from the first and second to third, then brought it back into focus so it all made sense and came together really smoothly. i wasnt particularly fond of your second stanza and think you could have just omitted some and meshed it with the first - however that dorsal fin line was pretty sick.. your descriptions of the reason you were in court in the first place could have been much clearer - i got like a weird underground sex club pimp or something .. but honestly i couldnt say for sure. maybe i was missing something but i felt it wasnt as well detailed and mapped out as it coulda been. there were plenty of images and various other ideas brought in but it all didnt add up into one coherent crime. that woulda rounded out the whole thing much better for me but that didnt take away from the strength of your foundation and the ender was really tight - definitely shone the irony on the whole situation .. entertaining and thought provoking.

good shit man.. will be lookin out for more of your shit in upcoming weeks..

dexters lab -

lol i know the feelin of rushing a piece out.. that can be a bitch if you got other stuff goin on too.. its like damn i love to write but how fast can a person be expected to craft a masterpiece.. anyway, im becoming a real fan of your stories every week. kinda got me inspired to do something plot-based for next week.. your ideas are almost always fresh, original and untouched .. so its hard to go wrong if you manage to keep your shit together throughout the verse. you do a good job at keeping it interesting, i dont find myself bored and wanting to skip over spots .. one complaint i have is that i think in your semi rushed state you declined to make certain spots as well-detailed as they could've been. like, the first stanza when they shoot the 2 men and the lady .. it took me about 3 read-throughs to fully absorb the situation heading into the other segments. your tryin to keep these complex schemes and tell a pretty intricate story, so sometimes it can get a little muddled between the 2 but i gotta say you did well maintaining the dignity of your ambitions. for w/e reason i couldnt figure out why a woman would call the cops to look at a drawing her handicapped son drew .. also you had some pretty cringe worthy spelling errors peppered throughout the drop which kinda erks me when im reading something .. i mean i can forgive you because i know your situation but usually damn, i mean we get all the time to write the fuckin thing cant even run a spelling/grammar check on it?

anyway overall your twist was effective - well paced, pretty mechanically solid, and even with some linguistic errors and spotty sections i think you outwrote your opponent this week.

v/ dextah

real nice battle. thanks for the reads folks

1

dev - personally, im not a huge fan of people going from 2 syllable schemes back to one with the same end rhyme and carrying it on longer.. your opening 5 lines or so is a prime example. also a very scattered syllable count either between each individual rhyme so it isnt as consistent with the meter (possibly just me), or putting different numbers of syllables between what were supposed to be complex syllabic rhymes, but break down (on you.).. so anyways, on to the story.. pretty cool, it's not exactly irony, which would appear to be a minor detail but seeing as irony is a device used to create hard hitting endings, the ending doesnt explode as much as you would like it to.. not because you misused the word, but because the actual piece just wasnt ironic... instead it was just a story about a necro who worked at a morgue and got off, and will continue to wreak havoc. to me if you ended it with a short stanza about how he was free and could never get caught because he has those funds it wouldve been harder hitting, instead of rrelying on the shock factor that wasnt. anyways, w/ that said, it was still a decent story that was well told and not half as bad as im making it out to be.. solid work here brethren. addendum - not a morgue worker, but undertaker. my b.

dexter - well your clearly a story teller. first thing i took from the piece immediately is trying to work strawberry marble in as a symbol or motif but it just didnt really have any meaning.. maybe the childs innocence melting away or something, but the child wasnt really the focus of the story. it was nothing more than his favorite ice cream, and the ending didnt have a huge effect on me, in fact i immediately realized it didnt belong in a short piece but actually a grander project and was able to mark you as a true writer, although perhaps in your embryonic stages trying to work things in to your piece that, can be affixed to other pieces such as short stories or novellas, not entirely appropriate for such a short peice.. the rhyme was real cool in some spots, i guess because it was rushed it wasnt as smooth in some places, but the ending bar ofthe last piece was what i sort of expected to see all throiugh the piece, but didnt get it.. i know youve been doing it, this week was a hassle though. anyways, your twist was relatively better than devs to me, and you reached closure to your tell better whereas devs sort of ends. to me, you outshined dev in some mechanics and fell short in a few others, but dev was consistant, albeit not a scheme my taste buds are accustomed to. so, after deliberation the vote goes to Dex for superior story telling, description (like black said, some of devs images didnt flow together right away, or at least not as easily as dexlabs did), and rhyme

v - dex

edit - dev there is no need for an apostrophe with sin's or fin's.. who the fuck taught you that.

Lol just to clarify if anyones confused, The Auntie (secretly) witnessed the crime and sort of used her 'special" nephew as a tool to get even, it was her plan...The strawberry marble has always been the nephews idea of revenge..the blood dripping down the gravestone, he just didn't know how to express it, Lol iuno, it was a hurried endevour...i digress

Dev: your opening lines were a bit off for me in the rhyme scheme, just was a bit jumpy as the reader, i was forced to go back and reread it a few times just to see the direction the rhyme was taking

the rhyme scheme in general after that was a tad simple, ive definitely seen better from you as far as the complexity is concerned, not a lot of multies or inners here

I destroyed broken china with porcelain morgue sin's
got my endorphin's coursing in water like dorsal fin's
the content in this was really good

see i feel torn in two directions with this, like i feel you create this vibe and persona that this is an undead person, working as a reaper(Dead Like Me type ish) which is cool, but than at the end with the "irony" which has to do with money...to me that is an insinuation of a Hitman, and as a reaper, i dont picture someone performing a murder to pass on the living, otherwise we would all be dying of murders via Grim Reaps, so i find the plot unjustified, how does a reaper end up in court on trial for performing a supernatural task, had you give specific reason as to why there was a case that a grim reaper found himself in court id have found it more convincing as a concept. if your intention was the opposite and you were painting a hitman as a reaper, well at that point i feel you made the mistake of not being clear enough in who the person was, leaving the reader torn between the two possibilities, without any resolve

ultimately i felt your content was just a bit unfocused and could of used a tad more content to help in clarification, this was not my favorite from you, ive definitely seen better from you, no hate just wanted to give some constructive criticism, i know you have better content than this IMO

Dex:

A black Cadillac arrives, two men entertain the steps..
something about that line i liked lol, its really nothing spectacular but i liked how you turned the mundane activity and related it in a way that was outside the obvious delivery for such a line

the 1979 isnt my favorite content as far as drug runners type ish goes but i understand its necessity for setting the scene for the upcoming content, kinda has a Lucky Number Sleven vibe to it, which i dig, i like the imagery conveyed by the strawberry marble, but i felt like i was looking for some sort of subliminal meaning to it, a definite theme, considering it as a title to the story, but i guess the tie of blood on marble and his ice cream of choice is enough to keep me satisfied.

good piece, i like that you used a character with Cerebral Palsy, creates a more unique story, i think you have a small hole in the story, i didnt pick up on the connection of the bad cop in the story to the auntie, why they would have communication at all, maybe she was in on the plan all along, just felt it lacked clarification, i also wondered why only one of the bad cops was targeted here, felt you just kinda let him off the hook, or there should of been some sort of mention of his death or the his upcoming death as being next in line

ultimately pretty solid story, not as good as the last two weeks but its definitely still a strong story written well

Overall: i think dex came with a clearer story, and a more in depth story. his characters where more coherent and relatable then the character from dev's piece, which left me guessing on what or who his character really was or how they ended up in the position he found himself in, so on clarity alone i give this to Dex

v. Dex

dev- idk, I was feeling the content a bit, since thats what im all about.. the twisted visions of art in the dark. I wasn't feeling the wording of the first verse, it felt like the syllabic rhyming was off in places. I was feeling the deep descriptions though and felt like it did a really nice job building in the second verse, the dorsal fin rhyme was dope and I liked the idea of it taking place in a gallery. I think the third sort of fell off and I wasn't feeling the word choices you used for your descriptions. and then I feel like you bounced back at the end and kept this shit solid. I think that the shorter verses between had more impact and kept the story in motion for me.

dex- another mindfucking piece for me. you have a really nice way of building a story, the visuals you provide are very lifelike and do a great job capturing the reader in your world here. from the first verse I can tell that this was going to be another movie in a story rap, you did a great job building the characters and taking them away(lol) the first verse had a rapid feel to it and ended very mysteriously and kept me eager for more. then as the second opened up, I was wondering how the fuck you were going to tie your topic in with the story of a drug raid gone bad, 31 years later LOL.. I think the aunt referring to the nephew's 'strawberry marble' as ice cream was a great add in the story and made the aunts quick thinking liable (pun intended).. the transition to the third verse could've been smoother, being that its still the same timeline. I think some of your wordchoices in the third verse were sacrificed with the nephews muddled responses. I think the strawberry marble being his mothers tombstone in her killers blood is a sick concept to entertain. props for this dex.

this was a nice battle, I've seen dev come a lot doper but he still came with some nice bars, I think dexx keeps dropping mindfucking pieces but manages to draw readers in with very unique story lines and characterizations.
v/Dex'labb

Dev: I suppose this was a decent verse...I didn't fully understand the "irony" of the ending justifying the means of acquittal...but it's cool. Your wording seemed to be a little stuttered this verse...It's hard to tell a story without having really smooth wording. In a metaphorical piece (imo) it's much easier to get away with fragmented visual phrases and thoughts...but in a story, especially one that takes place in a court room, the wording must be seamless in order to effectively convey the scene/plot in such a short period of time. I felt like you fell kinda short this week regarding that aspect of your piece. Your rhyme schemes were fine, you do that switch-a-roo thing with your schemes, and that's cool...I just think that perhaps last week you did it a bit more effectively. Honestly, the concept bored me.....but that's just a personal preference. I'm not really into dark/psycho/sadistic shit...so, it gets a bit old and redundant after a while...however, this was an open week so kudos for creating a story out of thin air. Decent verse, but not your best.

Dex: Huminahuminahumina...Iono, I wasn't really feeling this verse a whole lot either. I think that the mechanics were great as far as a smooth conversational technique goes. You do that well...you even managed to write Buck's dialogue in an effective fashion, kudos on that. The imagery was also really vivid, which is good. But...when it comes down to the actual clarity of the story, i feel like you fell off when trying to explain the intention of the aunt/buck's revenge. I also dont think its cool to write an explanation on the concept of your verse before all votes are in...you didn't seem to do that in a "swaying" manner, so it's cool...but maybe you shouldn't do that in the future...it's not really fair to your opponent, know what I mean jellybean? I thought that the imagery of the strawberry ice cream and the blood over the marble tombstone was cool...I just didn't think it really had as much significance to the actual story as you gave it...it would have been nice had there been more back story on the revenge aspect...

I suppose that my vote comes down to who I felt had the better mechanics because I think that each writer had some holes in their story verses....in that sense, I think that Dex' had better wording, even though the grammatical errors were a bit annoying, it's all good...and that's pretty much it. Both writers were equal as far as imagery, rhyme schemes and story telling ability this week. So, vote: Dex for better wording. I think we're all a lil tired, lol.

Dex kills it...