20 Class A's

As soon as i've awakened i can taste
yellow painted teeth from the nicotene
As far as i can see this habit is apart of me
This suicidal act makes it too hard to breathe
From the time i take my first conscience breath
until i lay my soon to be carcass to rest
i inhale an addictive yet pleasing cigarette
It's obvious most facts are negative
but so was Eve and adam still gave a rib
Save it Kid my stepmother would tell me
As she sucked on one, explaining there unhealthy
It all narrows down to that first impression
that first family member sparkin' the infection
Next is the selection of the brand
are you going to be a menthol king
or a marlboro man?
Gardens of Tobacco are harvested for youth
and the consumers choose what flavored roots
Your safe place is between my index and the bird
keep me calm instead of disperced curse words
Several times I'd dismiss the companionship
but always crawl back and abandon ship
i can't stand this shit, why do we battle
Fighting you off for hours while you lurk in the shadows
Stab holes in your packaging
before you know it i'm back on the patch again
it's the last draw i'm gonna make it
but without you in my pocket i always feel naked

[B]send a box my way of 20 class A's
I'll smoke each one like my very last taste

my thoughts and opinions
ummmmmmmmmmmmm i dont like this because its about ciggarettes cigs are not a very good topic in my opinion

My feed on structer
not the best but you had some so thats a good thing

My feed on wordplay
if there was any it wasnt good enough there should be alot of things that make your word play stand out

My feed on vocab
iffy not to many words that cant be labled kindergarden

My over all feed
this was a ok peice not very thought out seems like it was just thrown down on paper then typed up you should really elevate before you try a topic such as this again

Over all Score
5/10

The topic was different so at least it was an original piece but you didnt do a good enough job with the concept. The closer of the verse was nice but you didnt have another really nice line in the piece so it really lacked dope lines.
The vocab was decent i think if you upped your vocab you could of came up with some better imagery to describe your addiction in more detail to really get the people who are reading it to feel what your saying. The flow was pretty basic, no multies so it just makes the piece look sloppy.
It wasnt a bad piece but it wasnt good you need to better job with the concepts you come up with. I thought the concept was good and original but you didnt do the concept justice. Just work on your vocab this will help your imagery become stronger. Also work on your syllable count when you write, putting multies in your work will add complexity to your verses.
Return the feed on my OM:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=252317

flow- was terrible..choppy i see your new so i wouldnt blame you for your drop bein not good

strucutre- same as the flow comment

your rhymes were iight...not that complex sum were good and i saw u used sum multies and that was good

topic was different and thats a good thing

this was just iight..i say elevate a bit..peace