Jonathan

I have this dream every night where I'm swimming through the sea,
nothing around me, just swimming through the deep.
I don't come up for air, honestly, I don't care to breathe,
just swimming aimlessly through pacific waters, darkness beneath.
I wake up depressed, like life has no sense of direction,
everyday blends together, auto pilot with no need for correction.
I've got these memories, their my most precious collection,
when life was magical, and joy was a widespread selection.
I struggle with depression, there's voices in my head,
they say I'm not good enough, screaming until I'm stressed,
pulling me apart at work like I'm not already over stretched.
By the time I lay in bed, I feel like I've barely anything left.
Do you know what it's like to constantly be at war with yourself?
To know you need someone but too much pride to ask for help?
I'm a man, I was forced to believe I can do it on my own,
and now I'm drowning and feel like I'm fighting all alone.
So many things I need to change but I can't seem to budge,
like I'm stuck in the mud, too angry to accept another's love.
Do I deserve to smile when I don't even feel good enough?
When all I want to do is leap from the patio and choke on my blood?
Everyday I wake up, a sigh of grief that I didn't die in my sleep,
and I try to believe it'll get better but I've never seen a sign of peace.
I'm tired, I'm weak... I can't even admire the glee my children release.
I've a dire need for a fire to free me from this desolate empire I've seized.
I can't laugh anymore, I can't enjoy life anymore,
I drown in this storm that's always flooding my core.
I can barely walk, I can barely talk, I've nothing stored,
I can barely reach my hand up just to open the door.
I lie on the floor, hoping the boards will cave in,
succumbing to sorrow and hatred, and I fucking hate it!
I promise my family it'll be fine, but why did I make it?
Knowing damn well when it's my time, they'll be better off by the day's end.
It hurts me to say it, but I've never felt like I deserved you,
my friends, my family, anybody who tried to squirm through
the obstacles I setup and walls that surround my heart to
protect myself from MYSELF when others just wanted somebody to talk to...
I'm a mess, I always have been, every breath filled with absence,
what is left? If not ashes. Every step goes towards the last cliff.
I'm depressed, where's the matches? Find me dead on this mattress.
If you cry at my funeral, it'll be beautiful, here's an Oscar for best actor and actress.

This was well written and emotional my dude. Comes from a real place and you can tell when you’re reading that it’s actually how you feel just being jotted down in rhyme form. I’m a sucker for a sad piece, and I know the worst times in our lives can create dope works of art. This was sad from start to finish though honestly. Very dark. The bit about not being able to enjoy the joy from your kids is some real shit that many parents could relate to I’m sure. Life is full of obstacles and temptation and darkness and hardship, and I’m glad you make yourself vulnerable enough to post and share about it my guy. You’re a stronger person than you think you are. You been ran through and trashed by assholes offline and online alike and you’re always a solid ass dude honestly so it’s lame to see you going through the motions and being hurt by your own emotions really as well, but it’s also something I know you can make it through homie. Appreciate you sharing. Appreciate the writing and ability here. Much love.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Soule

I have this dream every night where I'm swimming through the sea,
nothing around me, just swimming through the deep.
I don't come up for air, honestly, I don't care to breathe,
just swimming aimlessly through pacific waters, darkness beneath.
I wake up depressed, like life has no sense of direction,
everyday blends together, auto pilot with no need for correction.
I've got these memories, their my most precious collection,
when life was magical, and joy was a widespread selection.
I struggle with depression, there's voices in my head,
they say I'm not good enough, screaming until I'm stressed,
pulling me apart at work like I'm not already over stretched.
By the time I lay in bed, I feel like I've barely anything left.
Do you know what it's like to constantly be at war with yourself?
To know you need someone but too much pride to ask for help?
I'm a man, I was forced to believe I can do it on my own,
and now I'm drowning and feel like I'm fighting all alone.
So many things I need to change but I can't seem to budge,
like I'm stuck in the mud, too angry to accept another's love.
Do I deserve to smile when I don't even feel good enough?
When all I want to do is leap from the patio and choke on my blood?
Everyday I wake up, a sigh of grief that I didn't die in my sleep,
and I try to believe it'll get better but I've never seen a sign of peace.
I'm tired, I'm weak... I can't even admire the glee my children release.
I've a dire need for a fire to free me from this desolate empire I've seized.
I can't laugh anymore, I can't enjoy life anymore,
I drown in this storm that's always flooding my core.
I can barely walk, I can barely talk, I've nothing stored,
I can barely reach my hand up just to open the door.
I lie on the floor, hoping the boards will cave in,
succumbing to sorrow and hatred, and I fucking hate it!
I promise my family it'll be fine, but why did I make it?
Knowing damn well when it's my time, they'll be better off by the day's end.
It hurts me to say it, but I've never felt like I deserved you,
my friends, my family, anybody who tried to squirm through
the obstacles I setup and walls that surround my heart to
protect myself from MYSELF when others just wanted somebody to talk to...
I'm a mess, I always have been, every breath filled with absence,
what is left? If not ashes. Every step goes towards the last cliff.
I'm depressed, where's the matches? Find me dead on this mattress.
If you cry at my funeral, it'll be beautiful, here's an Oscar for best actor and actress.

---

This was really good man, really deep. the way you came into it with the description of the water , the surroundings and etc, was done really well. the whole piece seemed deep and personal tbh, that ending was wild tho. I think about the first piece I ever seen you write,a nd the pieces you write now and how much better you are and how well your pen is now. great job bro.

I like this. It's probably one of the best things I've read in a long time.
It's pretty obvious that you let that stunning vulnerability shine through this piece and it's what the reader (well, me at least) connects to. You trigger emotions by allowing us to feel the experience. The build is gradual and gets darker as the piece continues and that makes for great impact imo. I'm not going to highlight lines because honestly there's so much to like.
I'm not going to harp on about technicalities either, that's not the direction I'm gonna go down. Even though the structure is sound, backed by rhymes that help the piece flow, I'm not going to go in-depth with that part of it because the highlight here for me is the ability to write something so personal and intense that it totally overshadows everything else. You've managed to evoke feelings and the minute that happens the reader is suddenly more invested in your story.
A bit of it becomes our story because we mesh in the muck, sadly.
That's really good writing; it's raw, organic, not showy, it's believable and hits the heart strings.

Top job

Great read

Thank you

Deep concept, and real topic!!! I respect it. Good stuff….


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This PEICE? Amazing and one of the best reads I love from you. Specifically too many parts... has it been nominated?

Hello, BEHEMOTH..

I thought this was a pretty good drop. I thought this was full of EMOTION..full of a ocean references that I enjoyed..and I really enjoyed your rhymes and rhyme scheme. THE TOPIC WAS DEPRESSION..and I think you did well on doing good with the topic.. GOOD WORK..SEE YA''..