A good woman

Even though you seen to be hurting inside
& feel the need to cry you a good woman
inside of you I see you satisfied the plan
& you a real woman
I need your time of the struggle
from know that came from your parents
it's obvious that they taught you well
you got power give goodness & kindness to everyone
you have been through a lot
someday gonna get better
a good woman never fail
she finally accomplished her goal & dreams through her pain
She went on her knees & thank God for the struggle
because she overcome her life http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...8-I-Stand-Lone!
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...798-sweatshirt

I found this difficult...

It's either quite bad and needs work... or is really cleverly written. Your writing style in this piece is chaotic. Spelling errors, odd sentence structure etc. But I can't tell if you did it on purpose or not. On some level it makes me think of the archetypal strong, black female. I can't tell if this is a proud piece highlighting cultural roots and stereotypes through it's odd style or a proud piece which is poorly written. Even now having read it like 5 times I can't make my mind up. The message is clear and I like what you're putting across. It's just odd... I think i'm gonna hold back on further judgement until I can figure out what you were trying to do here...

EDIT BELOW.

I'm back, and from your other posts i've come to the conclusion that you didn't do it on purpose, but it somehow worked to your advantage for the power of the piece based on what I said above.

If you decide to write more poetry, which I hope that you do, try to spend more time on making sure there are little to no mistakes. Poetry is an elegant generally speaking... usually, spelling errors, broken sentence structure and bad grammar will take away from a piece. Luckily for you, it didn't take from this because somehow it actually fit in.

I would like to see you post more, and try to do something more cliche'... something typical. Try to write something super basic just to get a grasp on the foundations of poetry.

I would recommend writing some Haiku. The rules are simple. The first line is usually 5 syllables, the second is usually 7, and the last is usually 5 again. It's just 3 lines - so the challenge is to pack as much meaning as you can into it. Also, as it's so short, wording has to be perfect to achieve the meaning you intend. Maybe give them a go and focus on making every word count - I'm sure that will help you to elevate as a writer.

Boss Lady, this is leaps and bounds better than what I've seen you write before.
What I like about it, is the deep appreciation you have for a/this 'good woman'.
I really like how you've kept the emotion evident and the wording clean.
There's a certain innocence that I believe shines.
What let your piece down, were some grammatical issues. Such a little thing.
But when there's a piece that sounds raw in honesty, it's a shame to lose marks
on silly little letters. Yet those little letters, make a big difference.
In order for something to stay shiny, it needs to be polished.
So let's polish some little things while I'm here.
: )


Even though you seen to be hurting inside The typo here is with the word 'seeN'. It shoud be 'seeM. So it should be...
Even though you seem to be hurting inside
& feel the need to cry you a good woman We could do with a comma after the word 'cry'. Because think about it Boss Lady,
you take a pause there. A breather. So show us that breather with a comma, and then continue your line. The other thing on
this line was the word 'you'. I'm not sure if you remember or not, but I fed a piece of yours a while ago now, and it was the word
'you' we had some issues on. Let's talk about it. What you might want to say is ...& feel the need to cry, you'RE a good woman...Or..you ARE a good woman... You're is short for you are. So when you feel the need to say 'you this' and 'you that' what you might want to think about
is 'you are this' and 'you are that'. 'You are' is shortened to 'you're'.

inside of you I see you satisfied the plan I feel a pause, a breather, after the word 'you', so let's put a comma there.
So it's 'inside of you, I see you satisfied the plan
& you a real woman I really like this line. This is a top line Boss Lady. Short and sweet. But I stumble on the word 'you'.
I want to make it '....& you're a real woman...' or, '...& you are a real woman...'
I need your time of the struggle I'm not sure about this line. It confuses me and I'm not sure what you want to say here.
from know that came from your parents This line, I think you're missing a word somewhere. Did you mean to say something like...
'because I know that came from your parents...?' or, '...from what I know that came from your parents...?' Have another look at that
line Boss Lady. See how it's missing something? It's such a small thing it's missing but it makes a world of difference to a piece.
it's obvious that they taught you well Another great line. Really nice line here. Humble. Lovely. Honest.
you got power give goodness & kindness to everyone So with the word 'you' again. What you might want to think about is, we normally
say, "...YOU'VE got power...blah blah blah lol". Or, "...YOU HAVE got power...". So if we want to say 'You have got power, we can shorten it to
you've got power. Right after the word power, we can use the word 'and' to 'join' the two parts of that line together.
So we would have '...you've got power AND give goodness & kindness to everyone...'.
you have been through a lot Nice. I like this basic clean cut wording.
someday gonna get better Maybe '...someday IT'S gonna get better...'. Do you see Boss Lady, it's the little words that make it obvious that something
isn't helping with the flow of things. It sounds smoother saying 'someday it'll get better'. There's two examples there. But 'someday gonna get better' needs
a 'joining word'.
a good woman never fail Nice. Really nice. But you forgot to put a 'S' on the word 'fail'. So it should be '...a good woman never fails...'
she finally accomplished her goal & dreams through her pain One goal or many goals. See how she had more than one dream? Because you put an 's' on the end. You can do the same with her goalS. She can finally have accomplished her goalS, or her one goal. See the difference. Without the s, you're showing the reader, me in this case lol that she's got 'one goal'. Adding the s makes her have more than one. It all depends on you. What ever you want to do.
She went on her knees & thank God for the struggle I think the word 'thank' needs 'ed' on the end. In other words, that word turns to 'thankED'.
So it would go to '...She went on her knees & thankED God for the struggle...' Also, think about how we can make a sentence a little more interesting.
We might change it up a little to something like'...she fell to her knees & thanked God for her struggle...'. The reason I'm saying this is because even though we do say that sometimes, literally, someone can not 'go to their knees'. So with phrases like that, we look for other ways to make them a little more interesting, to give them a little more allure. We're talking about God and struggle, so we can afford a little exaggeration.
because she overcome her life Nice outro. Nice ending. Uncomplicated. Clear.

Boss lady, I'm impressed with your work here. You've come a long way from when I first read your work. You've always had emotion which is
the heart and soul of a piece but I think this is by far your best piece yet.
Congratulations on writing a piece where the flow of thought is uniform. You were able to run with the same storyline without side tracking and taking us
in all different directions. You were able to stay focused on your core idea of her being a good woman, and you were able to deliver it in a candid way that reflected righteousness and decency.
There's a lot of integrity in this work. A beautiful morality at play.
Lovely work Boss Lady.
Keep that honest voice you've got, and your emotion, alive.

I really enjoyed this.

Nice drop.

Thank you.

Thanks guys

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Boss lady

Even though you seen to be hurting inside
& feel the need to cry you a good woman
inside of you I see you satisfied the plan
& you a real woman
I need your time of the struggle
from know that came from your parents
it's obvious that they taught you well
you got power give goodness & kindness to everyone

Spelling and grammar mistakes might be alright in OM, but not so much within poetry. Every piece of punctuation counts, every piece of spelling serves as a distraction more than anything else. If you're going to fuck with grammar, it better have a purpose. From here, I can conclude it didn't. Work on that, that's the first tip I have. Now let's get past that and into the content. I'll say this: I like what you're trying to do here. A good woman is something worth talking about, worth paying tribute to. Your heart's in a nice place, and I respect that. However, you need to be thinking about what will separate you from other writers. I can tell you just about anyone could write a piece about a good woman using the words you used, and it'd sound the same across the board with varying amounts of quality. What makes your words different? What makes your style different? What makes the meaning coming from your heart different from others? We don't see that here. Often times certain lines feel a bit generic. "Even though you seem to be hurting inside" The first line presents this, hurting inside is almost a cliched line at this point it's been used so frequently. Doesn't quite catch the reader's eye or invest them into this piece. "& you a real woman" is an example of a good line, perhaps even a great line if this poem was restructured to its full potential. That'd be an example of the 'right' way to break grammar/spelling rules. Sounds like slang, a specific cultural form of speech depending on the area. This has potential to be one of those simple poems with deeply layered emotions and power, but we have a lack of these lines so it doesn't come together as a whole.

you have been through a lot
someday gonna get better
a good woman never fail
she finally accomplished her goal & dreams through her pain
She went on her knees & thank God for the struggle
because she overcome her life

Again, my advice is the same from above. Think more in terms of visual style perhaps of what makes this woman a good woman, or what it is that makes a good woman. The general line I've seen here is that the good woman struggles through a lot of hard times, they will make it through the most trying of moments because their heart is good. Their ability to be strong and noble will carry them through. I like the thought, but the words don't inspire the emotion they ought to be having.

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I haven't seen too much of your work, Boss lady; but if Em says this is miles above your previous work then I believe it. Keep writing, you've got good ideas, a good heart, and the potential to be sharp and skilled. This COULD be a HoF piece, but right now it's simply a marble block. We don't have the beautiful sculpture yet.

Thanks for the feedback