Insecure Sunshine

Insecure Sunshine
By HighEngineChief

Speak to me in a soliloquy,
Unbeknownst to wandering strangers;
Whisper an abysmal secret in my ear,
Far from any plebeian -

Reach through the layers of skittish
Dialouge, utter your swelling volume
Through my understanding veins;
I wont judge you, I promise.
Under this facade of prevalence,
I am just as scared as you -
Maybe more...

Love is a treacherous climb,
And doubt is gravity's resolute grip;
Defy it! Spread wings of feathered trust
And lift against the northern winds,
Into my wide open arms. I heard
Love has X-Ray vision - can you see
Through me? Through the dark stomach
Of my {Silver lining'less} cloud.
Sometimes I wonder...
If the rain was meant to wash
The salt from my eyes;
It does always come just in time,
Dosen't it? Love, I lost before,
But I'm willing to risk my heart;
To go above my standards -
And love you.

Your touch:
My skin feels craggy and scabrous
Whithout you next to it,
Your balmy texture compliments
My every blemish, you're too sweet;
(The hollows of my tooth hurt)
Amorous cavity;
Rotting affection to the gum.

My sunshine, my only sunshine.

There's some glitter in your smile,
Glistining in your voice.
I'm captivated by the tangles in your hair,
The elaborate weaving of every strand,
Yet you're closed off from me,
Refusing to shed light on - us.
Maybe in time you will love me,
The way I (love to just
Know I) love you

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ts-366747.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ns-366577.html

Man, your word choice and phrasing really made this piece stand out to me. Some of your lines are just gorgeous. That line about doubt being gravity's grip. So nice. The second half of this really picks up the pace and starts to flow well, leading me through some beautiful language and wording. It might need a few more concrete images in the beginning and try to stay away from talking about the soul/spirit too much. It is an abstract concept, which can be done well, but is really tough to repeat. I like how you use parenthetic phrases to affect the lines, but it can be distracting, as it is in the last part. Though it is close to being really good, it is also not a natural phrase, nor does it read well turned as is. Just a few things to keep in mind. Overall, though, a pretty solid piece of work.

I see what you mean about the end, so i changed it ; )

Thanks for the feed

I still like the idea, especially to end on that, but if you could rework it to make it a bit more fluent, it would be great. Just smooth it out in grammatic ways.

Up Up Up and Away


Fuckers

I think the lines were great, plus the meaning was fairly easy...if I'm wrong, I think it's about guy and girl both afraid...or girl afraid and guy trying to push her to move..Mebbe I'm wrong..
But really good use of lines, I don't know how to comment or give correction about this thing...Maybe I'll give u a comment on using technology with ur poetry..I think urs had a medieval touch to it, and when u mixed in "X-ray vision" in paragraph 2 I think it made the poem kinda sound cheesy and messed...but that's just me feeling it.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=6355422

uppin

this was an interesting piece. imagery wise i thought this was very strong and creative. the structure was nice and the word choice was pretty good throughout though towards the middle of the piece it seemed a little simple but it picked up towards the end to make it a great finish. the whole message was pretty cool, overall i thought this was a good piece, not much negative to say about it.

rtf here: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...29-367706.html

hey chief, a bit long for my present mood, i'm more for a haiku or 2, lol

but i'ma read it aiite...



n hey, this was mostly nice, had a couple of cool metaphors to boot, the vocab was bonkers, maybe 1 or 2 spelling blunders, but no probs really, the vocab was right up my street, rhthym was mostly on-point.. i just thought the end got a bit mushy on the love tip and lost it's momento a little in the last few lines,
so yea i liked this poem a lot, you mos def have that way with words" - as some would say
excelently delivered
i just diddnt like the end few lines too much, ...i mean the poem itself before the end already detailed outgoing love, so diddnt necesarily have to end in such a blatant way

nice work though, strong language, and dope descriptions

pz

check out my piece of shit if u get time
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nt-368135.html