"Hurricane Waters" by Soule and Nohbody

A vibration taps on my temple, like a drum against my skull,
sea salt fills my lungs through bloodied nostrils like straws.
I open my eyes to blurry debris deep beneath the surface,
street signs and buildings, bridges sinking as the storm worsens.
I flail my arms in a panic, my mind manic beyond control,
forget how to swim for a second as I question if I'm alive at all.
I pull myself above water level long enough to hear a child scream,
he's hanging onto a tree with one arm while the other flows down stream.
I swim to him as quick as I can but I barely manage to drift,
"it's going to be okay, I got you now, just relax here for a bit."

The child screams, never thought this would be me in my wildest dreams
Trying to calm him down while things move around in my surroundings
Climbing to find a way out, the wind pounding against my battered face
Shattered glass imbedded in my skin as i travel through its savage rains
This poor kid grabbing my waist, fist clench against my dragging legs
Through massive lakes displaying dead bodies & trash in passing waves
Chest deep splashing away, arms heavy and feel em growing weaker
Knowing if we don't escape Katrina’s wrath well die beneath the flowing ether
Ocean levels rising when the levies snapped in half, water going deeper
Teetering on death and floating in the current hoping i don't owe the reaper.

I begin feeling the fever, my vision becomes blurry,
trying to protect him while trapped in the ocean's fury.
My leg's wrapped up in powerlines and branches,
hope depleting while staring at the catastrophic damage.
I have to maintain the façade so the boy stays calm,
resting on the log, done trying to figure out what's going on.
My breathing slows, I'm getting cold but soon I'll be numb,
praying for dispatchers to arrive before I lose my lungs.
"If I die before you wake, I want you to remain brave..."
before I can continue I'm interrupted by a tidal wave...

The situations grave, life flashing before my eyes like a passing stage
As we’re dragged away, my composure fades into a state of rapid decay
Grasping to take air into my collapsing lungs and im asking to stay
Awake for just a few moments to make sure this child is finally saved
Made a break for the shoreline expending any amount of energy left
Swear to god ill bring him to safety even if meant sending me to death
And just then, I see paramedics forming a chain to reach us through the wind
I looked the child in his eyes explaining “its O.K., we finally made it friend”
Extended him into his final saviors arms as he was staring back at me
I was sucked beneath the undertow, knowing my death set that child free.

"A man is measured not by his strength, but by his desire to save others."

This was rather elusive to the eye. The diction in it and direction for it's mass appeal is obvious. Survival, a man's strength, savior, and mental capacity. The challenge here for me in which I was reallllyyyy struggling not to nitpick , but the challenge here was counting how many times you would refer to the water and how you are feeling. Barely got to paint the scenery. You got the scenario out but on such a topic that is obvious and a well known factor it's about the details at this point since we are throwing the cadence of originality out.. you then must replace it with writing components that compliment. Storytelling is one but it stands limp when not supported by any other factors. It lacked some components and the diverse styles showed. I don't know whose verse was the second stanza but it was really paining me to read that par because of the material and wording. None the less the imagery was there. The last stanza is where I was content with it and was able to read with out any reaction of irks and ewws.

You know I critique others by giving flaws and not praise because it betters them. So no hate just understand where I'm going with this you took a known emotional rollercoaster of a topic and re-wrote about 70% of the people experience. Made it plain as day... So originality and creativity to me were stumped the very moment you decided to write this piece. None the less the wording and grammar were off and over thought in most areas. The only thing I enjoyed from this was the imagery. Placing me there in that moment.

Ok, … First off - description. Tick. Double tick. Trippel tick. This piece has so much description.
You’ve maintained the visuals in strong way and I think you both did a great job with
colouring the context of the story.
You know how a news reader gives all the facts and details, they look good and everything’s in place?
Notice how most of them carry a similar tone throughout though? It’s a bit flat because emotions don’t play a part.
Not that this is like the news, but …. It could be. It’s that precise contextually.
You’ve got all the details, all the facts, but I’m missing a human element. I’m missing emotion.
I’ve read this piece about four times now and there’s a lot of good quality writing here.
You’ve got two top notch writers who mesh well together. Managing to make two look like one isn’t easy but you both did that well. This piece had a softer flow with rhymes trickling down but not in an obvious way, softer rhymes. Some words in this seemed harsh and just, idk, just harsh sounding words. I didn’t particularly like ‘straws’ at the end of the second line. Also, the word ‘flail’ is a weird sounding word. Harsh sounding words, backed with real imagery, make it harder for me to float lol I can't think of how to say what I want to say but I'm sure you get it... I really would have liked you two to elicit more emotion from the reader.
Maybe all the facts took away from the airy nature I crave in poetry? Maybe I wanted a stronger more confident flow? Idk but that's my negative; it lacked a louder tick of a heart.
It’s the emotion that connects us and without it we lose impact.
So much else was on point imo. The story line was entertaining and carried the visuals I’d expect in an action-packed piece.
I could see the words played out. The outro was cool. It's a well written piece. But I felt a tug of a heart string ‘at the end’ only.
I wish I would have felt it more though, a little more beautiful vulnerability so we can connect.

Nice collab guys

Thank you