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Thread: Heaven's Bliss

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Twizted Ayngel's Avatar
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    Heaven's Bliss

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=139327
    ^Link that I responded to

    .…My heart is racing, we’re so close I can smell this woman I’m facing,
    I look into her eyes, I’m glad I’m here, and there will never be replacing,
    These feelings running through my veins, it’s insane, I’m glad we’re here,
    I’m making this woman my wife today, I pledge my life to you dear….

    …All the things we’ve been through, and we’ve made it to walking down the aisle,
    This man has helped me through everything, he’s made my life worthwhile,
    I promise to be honest, I’ll cherish him, we’ll be together until death do us part,
    I promise to love, hold, and honor him, he’ll forever be the only one in my heart…
    And so it was, they were married that day, they pledged their lives to one another,
    They were inseparable from then on, they devoted their lives to each other,
    and they had children, then watched them grow up to have little ones of their own,
    They lived in bliss and happiness until they grew old, and that’s where this story unfolds.

    .…My gorgeous wife I sit here at your bedside, on probably your final night,
    You’ve grown weaker before my eyes, I can tell you no longer want to fight,
    Its okay if you give in, I promise I wont be mad at you, even if you’re leaving,
    But it hurts to see your health deteriorate, I’m sitting here disbelieving,
    I’ll just hold you in my arms tonight, I said I’d be by your side until the end,
    I just want you to know I love you, you’re my everything – my best friend….
    …I’m growing weak.. And it’s hard to speak, so with my last breaths I’ll tell you this,
    you’ve been my everything as long as I can remember, since that very first kiss,
    I enjoyed my life with you, there’s nothing, if given the chance, I’d do over again,
    Thank you for everything, and keeping your promise to be here until the very end…
    That night the woman passed away peacefully while she and her husband were sleeping,
    The man woke up, knowing something was wrong, and called 911 as he was weeping,
    After all her pain and strife, he knew it was better this way, now she wouldn’t suffer,
    He thought it’d be easy without having to watch her die, but without her it was tougher.
    Years went by and that man was lonely and bitter, but didn’t blame his lost love at all,
    Now he felt so insignificant without her in his life, he didn’t matter, he felt so small,
    His health began to diminish just like his dear deceased wife’s had in the beginning,
    He had trouble walking, talking, his hair and even his fragile pale skin began thinning,
    One night he encountered a voice in his dreams, telling him it was the end of his life,
    Step into the white light, see your wife, and put an end to the struggle and the strife,
    So on the eve of he and his wife’s wedding anniversary, the man died in his sleep at ease,
    He had always said he would meet her up in heaven, but not one person ever agreed,
    But he knew once he was in heaven he’d see her eyes, and this time they’d be real,
    So he did, he walked into the light and was greeted by a smile so warm he could feel,
    The night this man died he was reunited with his wife in heaven, as he knew he would,
    Even with all the pain the endured, this was so right – it couldn’t be better. Nothing could.
    Last edited by Twizted Ayngel; July 31st, 2004 at 01:49 PM Reason: editted in my link
    <center>RIP - 7.18.O2..7.19.O2..7.22.O2
    7.24.O4 ... 11.o8.o4
    o4.o9.o5
    7.o2.o6
    7.o7.o6
    Forever in my heart.

  2. #2
    . Illus''s Avatar
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    Wow...

    Ok next time Ayngel make the font bigger
    my eyes hurt lol...

    Ok this was a sad but nice story telling piece.
    Nice flow and nice structure..Displayed
    the emotion greatly in both characters..
    Your opening made me think about marriage
    and how it will be for me because I am getting
    to that age when I want to settle down...
    Great discription of a couple loosing each other
    and how one reactes...You stayed on the
    subject matter, and displayed nice story
    structure order...



    Peace

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Twizted Ayngel's Avatar
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    ^if the font was smaller it would have run onto more lines than one. SOO.. i had to make it smaller or else it woulda looked gay.

    and.. thanks muuuuuuuch <333 i appreciate it!
    <center>RIP - 7.18.O2..7.19.O2..7.22.O2
    7.24.O4 ... 11.o8.o4
    o4.o9.o5
    7.o2.o6
    7.o7.o6
    Forever in my heart.

  4. #4
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
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    Whassup twizted, it's been a while, you change your sn?...im gonna read this now and edit this post with my thoughts...feel free to read mine while i read yours..lol..and get on aim


    That was a very well told sad little story...I felt the imagery and the charecters(although vague)...the vocab was good(words repeated though) and the structure was nice...I enjoyed reading it...It did actually make me feel a little sad...i hope this isn't prognosicated introspection....wow did i just say that.....anyway...you're a cool girl, and a good poet and i have watched your growth...although I haven't been active on the poetry boards..i've been watching....be good...feelign that i must elaborate further...this really is one of the best poems i've ever read on rb...i failed to mention that before...not that i was suprised at how good it is...I just don't liek to overpraise people...but you deserve it...ill aid in the legends push for this poem....
    Last edited by Sublime D; July 27th, 2004 at 07:04 PM
    Bittersweet

  5. #5
    Smoker The Joker SmokaJoka's Avatar
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    Awards No Show LLL Season Champion FL Champion 100+ Wins
    This = Dope

    Topic was nice....and very emotional from beginning to end....good ending...sad all the way through....which made a big switch up of how I felt about this piece...

    Your Best Part:
    Quote Originally Posted by Twizted Ayngel
    They were inseparable from then on, they devoted their lives to each other,
    and they had children, then watched them grow up to have little ones of their own,
    They lived in bliss and happiness until they grew old, and that’s where this story unfolds.
    .…My gorgeous wife I sit here at your bedside, on probably your final night,
    You’ve grown weaker before my eyes, I can tell you no longer want to fight,
    Its okay if you give in, I promise I wont be mad at you, even if you’re leaving,
    But it hurts to see your health deteriorate, I’m sitting here disbelieving,
    I’ll just hold you in my arms tonight, I said I’d be by your side until the end,
    I just want you to know I love you, you’re my everything – my best friend….
    …I’m growing weak.. And it’s hard to speak, so with my last breaths I’ll tell you this,
    you’ve been my everything as long as I can remember, since that very first kiss,
    ^Emotion and best rhymes and flow lied within this part no doubt....you told a great story and the feelings of the man and woman both show that they are gauranteeing their undying love....meh...


    BreakDown
    Vocabulary - Very Good
    Flow - Very Good
    Originality - Excellent
    RhymeScheme - Very Good
    Emotion - Excellent
    Imagery - Very Good
    Overall:
    Dope piece...honestly I would nominate this for legends...and I just might do that...I'll check back on what others have to say about this and if they like as much as I...I will nominate it....not many poems come by like this anymore...


    Rating:
    9/10

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  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Twizted Ayngel's Avatar
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    aww... wow i never thought i'd read anyone saying that... thanks babe <3
    <center>RIP - 7.18.O2..7.19.O2..7.22.O2
    7.24.O4 ... 11.o8.o4
    o4.o9.o5
    7.o2.o6
    7.o7.o6
    Forever in my heart.

  7. #7
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    you really never fail to impress me, BRAVO,this piece was intricate,smply wrote,but with mad emotion,it couldnt have been any better but any way,keep droppin tha hottness babe.~1~


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  8. #8
    *Daughter of 00* DthsMissingAngel's Avatar
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    Wow, see this was even better seeing you finished it. This was absolutely amazing. I loved this in every way possible and it was...wow.. speechless ma. Keep up. I'll hit u up on aim l8r.

    *(`'·.¸(`'·.¸**¸.·'´)¸.·'´)*
    «´¨`·..* SwEeT PeA *..·´¨`»
    *(¸.·'´(¸.·'´**`'·.¸)`'·.¸)*

  9. #9
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
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    Twisted this was real nice even though it was pretty sad. You had nice emotional qualitys that blew me away. The imaginary and details that you wrote were just so amazing. Im still thinking about this piece its running through my mind damn. Im nominating this for legends.

  10. #10
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
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    Where do you nominate the pieces at I cant find it and this needs to be in there.

  11. #11
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Twizted Ayngel's Avatar
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    wow... thanks guys i appreciate it.
    <center>RIP - 7.18.O2..7.19.O2..7.22.O2
    7.24.O4 ... 11.o8.o4
    o4.o9.o5
    7.o2.o6
    7.o7.o6
    Forever in my heart.

  12. #12
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
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    added this to my first post in an edit..want to make sure you see it...

    ...feeling that i must elaborate further...this really is one of the best poems i've ever read on rb...i failed to mention that before...not that i was suprised at how good it is...I just don't like to overpraise people...but you deserve it...ill aid in the legends push for this poem....and you didn't acknowledge me...i am agitated
    Bittersweet

  13. #13
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Twizted Ayngel's Avatar
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    ^You're probably one of the people whose comments I enjoy reading the most. You should know that your responses are very appreciated, and I take every word you say into consideration when doing my next piece. Remember that. LoL. <3
    <center>RIP - 7.18.O2..7.19.O2..7.22.O2
    7.24.O4 ... 11.o8.o4
    o4.o9.o5
    7.o2.o6
    7.o7.o6
    Forever in my heart.

  14. #14
    Banned L.I.'s Avatar
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    Very nice drop...i liked how u had both talking and a narrator...some nice imagery and emotion was great....the story was touching and a real poetic scripture lol...flow was nice too....worth the long read and a very dope drop...keep writing like this and you may get somewhere...

  15. #15
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Twizted Ayngel's Avatar
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    ^"and you may get somewhere" - lol i like you. thanks for the crit, by the way. appreciated. <3
    <center>RIP - 7.18.O2..7.19.O2..7.22.O2
    7.24.O4 ... 11.o8.o4
    o4.o9.o5
    7.o2.o6
    7.o7.o6
    Forever in my heart.

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