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Thread: Blessed Upon

  1. #1
     
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
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    Blessed Upon

    The Skin Cracks Like A Pod. Water Hungery The Sun Still Shines
    Gold Mines To The Undeveloped, The Bones Of Each Spine

    Word Of Mouth Lets Them Know, Its Time To Go, One Opportunity
    Together They Rush Forward As One, Standing As A Community
    Tin Mugs, Copper Pans, Using Anything They Can They Grab For It
    Desperate Hands, Just Grab As Much As They Can, Minds Split
    Sand Crunches Under Their Feet, Bodies De-hydrate In The Heat
    Overhead Sun Filled Sky, Around Here There Is No Street
    This Source Is Much Needed, For Each Tree A Plant Is Seeded
    They HAd Ran Out, They Begged And To The Gods They Pleaded
    Living Out Of Town, India, Bombay, A Natural Source Is Great
    Between Them No Hate, But The Ending Of This Would Decide Their Fate


    They Reach The Spot, Feeling More Than Hot, The Push Forward
    No Ques, This Was Their Oppurtunity To Live, Not Being Awkward
    The Pipe Had Burst, The Town Without Water, The Scavengars Chance
    Grabbing as much as they can, Filling Pans And Hands, Needing To Enhance
    Sickening Thoughts As The Children Enjoyed What They Were Seeing
    Men And Women Around, Could Not Believe, Around Mixed Feelings
    Blessed By The Gods, The Historic Camp Had Been Given Water
    A Source Of Life, For Men And Women, For Sons And Daughters
    Children Danced Naked Around THe Split In THe Pipe, Wealthy Without
    The Amount Of Pain This Camp Had Suffered, From The Summers Drought


    The Gods Had Blessed Them, Gave Them The Water They Needed
    To Give Them A Miracle Water Was Needed, And In This They Had Succeeded

  2. #2
     
    Join Date
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    Posted this in Om a few weeks ago. I got replies saying it was more poetical so i thought id see what you guys thought

    leave links and ill hit em up.

  3. #3
    $iNi<AL.<iTY
    Guest
    ^^ Woot


    I liked your imaginary shit was damn good!. The vocab was good man, nice words, and putting them in a "correct" sentence. I be seeing people using big words, but they never sound right in the sentence because of the definition. Anyway, the flow is nice, put more multi'z in it. Ok you need to up your emotion a little, cause i want to feel what the character felt, ya know?

    But anyway good drop homie. One.

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! 2_sides_of_life's Avatar
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    Nice Shit My Nigga

  5. #5
     
    Join Date
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    Thanks and up.

  6. #6
     
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    uppity

  7. #7
    i like how you showed emphasis on the words by capitalizing the first letters, showing the importance of the words is really good. i kinda got lost in reading it with all the caps though, unless that's just your typing style. I also liked how you proved the water's importance too by showing how much it is needed in the village or town that it takes place in. i'd like to read more stuff from you keep it up.

  8. #8
    First off, please dont cap every first word, it makes it harder to read than it should be. Just lettin you know before a bunch of people start calling you illiterate or something (people are very picky here). It looks like you got some potential, you do have some good imagery (not imaginary lol) nice easy read, good flow but where your rhyming is weird.

    stay up and maybe hit up the poetry league next season (it's in a few weeks)
    until then check it out. http://rapbattles.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=290

  9. #9
     
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    ^ thanks

    ye i dont capitalize anymore

  10. #10
    Piscean Twin
    Guest
    Your structure reminds me a lot of another writer (D.M?). this is an interesting story you told, good drop!

  11. #11
     
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    D.M ?

    naw

    up

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