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Thread: Life's Cities

  1. #1
    Po'Ethics
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    Life's Cities

    Life's Cities
    .
    .
    .

    The moon's lifeforce barely seeps through the fog thus leaving the dark,
    Stark streets of disgust, anger, confusion do not invite, yet I embark.
    Scratching my jagged fingernails across the adjacent wall's gloom,
    As the uneven stone crumbling in a state of obsessive, yet compulsive doom.
    Erratically twitching while kicking a can of depression across the street,
    Jaded eyes caress the dust coating of my shoes as my solar-energy depletes.
    .
    .
    .

    Standing under a flickering street light my face is self-conciously shrouded,
    Sliding the seringe from my loose jacket sleeve a smile cracks, albeit clouded.
    Dropping the empty tube of death to the desecrated concrete I continue my walk,
    Blood patterns I stalk, etching life into the outlines of bodies written in chalk.
    Legs struggling to support the weight of my thoughts a maniacle scream escapes,
    ...No one takes any notice... It's the symphony of the dark night's rapes.
    Hazarding a glimpse into the frosted window of a bar red eyes peer back,
    Amidst the impenetrable black their unfaltering gaze is disturbed by a crack.
    Leaving smashed glass in the obese man's lap and scratching a message of anger,
    His eyes fell from intimidating to wavering as his eyes recognized the stranger.
    .
    .
    .

    The taste for blood now in arctic pathways, my features warm to the possibility,
    The scent of the hunt graces my nose, obstructing the smog inherent in this city.
    Reaching my hand onto my trouser' leg whiping the blood away before grasping,
    Gripping for the object deep in my pocket, the sheer power of it is everlasting.
    An image of fictional art one might argue, yet, unjustifiably real,
    The stereotypical image of life in this God forsaken place I seal...
    .
    .
    .

    Standing in a patch of moon light, feet firmly on the roof of a burnt car,
    My head tilting back revealing the crooked evil amongst the deep scars...
    Hand at my side gripping a gun, blood covered and shaking with laughter,
    Running from shadow to shadow, maybe I can catch her... I can distract her.
    Rounding the acute corners of the city blocks the phallic symbol of companies loom,
    Plumes of smoke encompassing the spherical atmosphere encasing our doom.
    Startled by a collapsing metallic can infront of her, I gracefully land behind,
    Pushing the tip of my gun up her back smiling as it grinds...
    .
    .
    .

    Shimmering distress in pools of plenty surround the sacrificial vessel,
    One leg dragging in triumph across the empty souls of the lost gristle.
    Laughs echo through the veins of the city as my red velvet carpet ceases,
    The sky's leases for this sickening dripping central to the world's hidden creases.
    This inane plane of insane claims and unfounded false rumour cranes,
    Forging structures atop foundations of knowledge ready for life to drain.
    This life of complex simplicities and simplistic complexities,
    Inherently basic yet powerfully paradoxical in Life's Cities...
    .
    .
    .
    Peace
    Po'Ethics Lives

  2. #2
    The Solution Gifted Signs's Avatar
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    these was a nice open mic i am feeling it. I can see everything you are talking about nice one keep up the good work 9.5/10
    Master Of Illusion
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  3. #3
    Po'Ethics
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    I'll post links this afternoon... Quite busy.
    Po'Ethics Lives

  4. #4
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    damn dev i heard you was sayin` you got a new om done. shit you got a lil but of rust to shake off well elt me get started. hmm well your flow was pretty good your lines us to be shorter which made it flow a lot better but its still good thats probably the weakest part about this piece, your imagery was very good and your emotion is on point, nice complexity good vocabulary everything else was goin good..overal good piece holla 1

    rtf in my om "My Love letter" link is soon to be in the sig.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deviate
    I'll post links this afternoon... Quite busy.
    I'll be waiting. I'll leave feedback on this when you get the links, too.
    ...

  6. #6
    Still in the grave Johnny 6-feet's Avatar
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    This was some film noir, 'Sin City' type story telling Deviate. Probably one of the best i've read from you too. Your use of imagery in this was dope, plain and simple. Your main charecter came off as an evil son of a bitch and the vocab of the piece supported it well. Maybe the lines were alittle overstretched but they were also consistent. I don't think multi's would've helped this much. A great topic and well executed, i'm nominating this for OM of the month.

    keep posting, and please return the favour on my piece 'setting the stage'.

    SS League Record 31-8
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    14 x OM HoF



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  7. #7
    Po'Ethics
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    My Love Letter
    Confronting the Enemy


    Thanks Jek...Thanks for the nomination Johnny... Thanks for all the feedback so far.
    Po'Ethics Lives

  8. #8
    The True Psycho of RB
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    This was nice, the story was well written you was very consistent with the story so it kept my attention. The imagery and vocab really stood out so it helped the story, it was dark and raw so i was really feeling it.
    The only thing i could say to change would be add a couple of multies into your piece to make the rhymes sound smoother there was a lot of big words in the piece so that would sound clunky on audio so just work on the flow and multies, good piece keep writing.

    Return the feed please:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=207296

  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    I got to give it to you, This was defidently something I could feel. You just said up a picture image for every verse. That is damn hard to do, and you just did it well. The vocab was outstanding, and fit the rhyme well. The structure was good for what you were going for. I liked how you ended it, kinda of at a "straight to the point" view. It was a very nice read and I gotta give it to you... it was nice... 9.5/10

    ( I see why this was nominated now )

    plz return the favor and peep "Dont Be Fooled" on 1st Open Mic page


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    SEE THINGS THROUGH MY EYES... SEE THROUGH MY LYRICS

    My Open Mics

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    SS LEAGUE

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    ~High Class... Back???~

  10. #10
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    Alright.. well this was mostly fairly well written. The story, I confess, wasn't that gripping, but your piece had some redeeming qualities. Word choices were pretty good, although your syntax was a tad forced ... you tried to push too many multies into some lines, with multisyllabic words, and the meter just wouldn't allow it. So it ended reading, just a little unnaturally, to me at least. But this was a pretty steady piece in most respects ... You just need to hone your writers voice some more, make your writing feel more natural to read, I'd say. Keep writing; you're still getting better.
    ...

  11. #11
    Hated Brew
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    this drop was real nice cause i really liked the complexity and concrete detail. you were very specific with the imagery and you stuck to the topic.

    9/10

  12. #12
    Po'Ethics
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    Up... Thanks for the feedback...
    Po'Ethics Lives

  13. #13
    Banned
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    yea liked this piece thought it had good flow and the rhymes were nice too, the structure was great and thought you did a good job at proving a point, nice drop...

  14. #14
    bitch.
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    Aight, this was an aight. By Deviate standards, cuz usually ur pieces are dope as fuck, this was one of Ur worst. I usually see good plotted stories, that keep U on the edge or Ur seat...but this time is wasnt as fascinating. Sometimes I had to re-read the lines to look for the flow. It was well-written, dont get me wrong, Ur got Ur point acrossed in some of the lines. And U did a good job of staying into the story, while mixing the awesome imagery U had, and keeping a good rhyme scheme. Basically - the story telling skills is what U lacked here. Good piece though.

    8.5/10

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