untittled

[rayl]

they say the grass is greenier on the other side/
but on my side all i see is the people that have died/
when the goverment got the rich stayin rich and poor staying poor/
and the law made when grind till our feet get sore/
when ya force to huslte til ya hands bleed and can see any skin no more/
trying to reach for a dream but ya wings were clipped and can't soar no more/
realizing that ya family and friend take you for a joke/
when there thriving and ya is still broke/
ya keep searching but you realize that there's no hope/
understand that you can no longer cope/
look and see that ya at the end of ya rope/
so you decide to take a knife and slit ya throat /
can no longer stand it and took the cowards way out/
so you say theses words in ya last breathe/
ya leave a pieces sayin i was ready for death/

in my hood we try to strive for a dream/
but all we see is guns drugs and things/

[~ladie_streetz~]

very simple...
but ya rhymin concepts were okay... the structure and flow can use a little work but you did fine on this..... next time find a topic so that way you can ahve a title to your piece and as well for better vocab in the piece too....

[warchild]

I dont6 know how long youve been writing but this was weak.
Obviously you tried to write something deep but your rhymes just came out corny what you was saying in the bars has been said a million times before and said better. You can improve thats if you take advice.
Try and keep your bar length shorter the stretched bars dont help the flow of the verse out so sort that out. Also up your vocab so you can create some better imagery to your pieces. Mix in some metaphors and killer punchlines to your pieces this will help them stand out.
Also try and think of some good concepts for songs.

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