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Thread: 20 Class A's

  1. #1
    Newbie
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    Nov 2005
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    Everywhere
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    39
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    20 Class A's

    As soon as i've awakened i can taste
    yellow painted teeth from the nicotene
    As far as i can see this habit is apart of me
    This suicidal act makes it too hard to breathe
    From the time i take my first conscience breath
    until i lay my soon to be carcass to rest
    i inhale an addictive yet pleasing cigarette
    It's obvious most facts are negative
    but so was Eve and adam still gave a rib
    Save it Kid my stepmother would tell me
    As she sucked on one, explaining there unhealthy
    It all narrows down to that first impression
    that first family member sparkin' the infection
    Next is the selection of the brand
    are you going to be a menthol king
    or a marlboro man?
    Gardens of Tobacco are harvested for youth
    and the consumers choose what flavored roots
    Your safe place is between my index and the bird
    keep me calm instead of disperced curse words
    Several times I'd dismiss the companionship
    but always crawl back and abandon ship
    i can't stand this shit, why do we battle
    Fighting you off for hours while you lurk in the shadows
    Stab holes in your packaging
    before you know it i'm back on the patch again
    it's the last draw i'm gonna make it
    but without you in my pocket i always feel naked

    [B]send a box my way of 20 class A's
    I'll smoke each one like my very last taste

  2. #2
    LBS. LyricallyInclined's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
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    Under your bed
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    3,509
    Battle Record
    19-9
    my thoughts and opinions
    ummmmmmmmmmmmm i dont like this because its about ciggarettes cigs are not a very good topic in my opinion

    My feed on structer
    not the best but you had some so thats a good thing

    My feed on wordplay
    if there was any it wasnt good enough there should be alot of things that make your word play stand out

    My feed on vocab
    iffy not to many words that cant be labled kindergarden

    My over all feed
    this was a ok peice not very thought out seems like it was just thrown down on paper then typed up you should really elevate before you try a topic such as this again

    Over all Score
    5/10
    AUDIO

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  3. #3
    The True Psycho of RB
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
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    My Own Mind
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    40
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    3,164
    Battle Record
    1-0
    The topic was different so at least it was an original piece but you didnt do a good enough job with the concept. The closer of the verse was nice but you didnt have another really nice line in the piece so it really lacked dope lines.
    The vocab was decent i think if you upped your vocab you could of came up with some better imagery to describe your addiction in more detail to really get the people who are reading it to feel what your saying. The flow was pretty basic, no multies so it just makes the piece look sloppy.
    It wasnt a bad piece but it wasnt good you need to better job with the concepts you come up with. I thought the concept was good and original but you didnt do the concept justice. Just work on your vocab this will help your imagery become stronger. Also work on your syllable count when you write, putting multies in your work will add complexity to your verses.
    Return the feed on my OM:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=252317
    I got caught for killing time but then i got away with words-Chino XL

  4. #4
    Banned
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Posts
    5,480
    Battle Record
    12-1
    flow- was terrible..choppy i see your new so i wouldnt blame you for your drop bein not good

    strucutre- same as the flow comment

    your rhymes were iight...not that complex sum were good and i saw u used sum multies and that was good

    topic was different and thats a good thing

    this was just iight..i say elevate a bit..peace

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