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Thread: Shadowing The Poor By Day.

  1. #1
    Born from Ink Spekz.'s Avatar
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    Shadowing The Poor By Day.

    Shadowing The Poor


    .
    .
    .
    A stifling sun announces a perfectly weathered day
    as rays of light display a falling mockery apon the reposed
    that hide the act of those who exit the days existing shadows
    lists of trifling humans lay pissed; by living in a desperate way

    Bags as beds lay on pavement sleeping through the sun light
    homeless living in a mess of a home surviving of scraps of humanity
    Yet we pity their vanity, with stares scoffing at their insanity
    while unfashionably wearing rags as threads, trends ones type

    a mournful sight sleeps on a park bench during a tiresome morning
    before the birds sing, night brings homeless scavangers attackin trash bins
    driving steel carts stolen from quickie marts to easily stash possessions
    questions manifest towards those who rest on streets with no supporting

    Aborting their stay the government brings bright light to the situation
    a phase also taken on by troubled citizens who handle it forcefully
    instead of orderly; cases of homeless deaths always end morbidly
    a sad story invisioned with knowledge lacking cuz no one cares to listen

    Sitting silently in the city i see cardboards homes, housing old men
    slowly eating out of a used tin can, in the corner of a grungy building
    then watching young grungy adults make a living off nearly living
    sickening...yet it melts my heart to see kids mess with homeless women

    Young with out a home or lazy an growing old its depressing we know
    that a tale of the unfortunate,coordinates with the day light shadows
    hiding the poor ones who seek our help
    as we pass them in disgust....
    ....shadowing our wealth
    Last edited by Spekz.; May 17th, 2006 at 12:20 AM
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  2. #2

  3. #3
    Born from Ink Spekz.'s Avatar
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    A goodnight Up!

    Hoping for some Fb.

    Peace..and goodnight
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  4. #4
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    Yo Speks! You thought I forgot! I didn't. Well what can I say the scheme was wierd but what am I to say right? Overall I thought the imagery and emotion were intertwined well enough that the atmosphere gave me all the emotional output I wanted from the piece, you feel me? I think you could have flipped the topic better its an almost too direct approach. You didn't come withn creativity in my opinion and if your opponent did I'd vote for him. And scheme was good because you had internals fam. So Speks everything is great but you didn't Flip well in my opinion

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  5. #5
    Newbie mosh_master's Avatar
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    I was feelin' this more as poetry than a hip-hop piece
    rhyme scheme was definetely interesting and unique. I liked the intro picture, I see people do that a fair bit, and it gives a visual effect to the piece.
    I'm likin' the topic though, it's not touched on too often, but you could have gone into a bit more depth. this was deep, don't get me wrong, but I just feel it was missing a certain touch on it, ya know?
    tight piece overall though, really nice read
    stay at it

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  6. #6
    Born from Ink Spekz.'s Avatar
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    well i cut my piece down quite a bit..to match topic (my opponent).cuz he came with a poem...and i appreciate your opinion...however the topic was Shadows in the day.. and on some of the ss comments i turnd the topic pretty well...ive been back up for time...and rlly couldnt hit the topic like i would have liked..but overall it got the job done...
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  7. #7
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Overall this was a good OM, i can see the layout becoming more and more used now, of the image and the rhymes etc, but that's irrelevant here. I believe you did a good job with the topic but though the rhymeschem is different it's not actually the problem. I believe it's the chose of some awkard words. Just improve upon your current vocab and you'll excell. Good drop.

    Would preciate comments on this OM:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=292317
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    TNL

  8. #8
    Banned Big C.'s Avatar
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    nice peice.feeling the imagery throughout.
    rhymes were good and flow was nice.
    complexity and vocab was here. good job
    topic was mad interesting and creative.
    Overall i liked this.keep it up.peace~

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