We

[spokenoh]

The life of Evan Tanner inspired much of this. Rest in peace.



We are lost souls dancing our last embers to the sounds of the open night.

Proclaiming our love to this valley, we trekked from mental slavery’s
8 x 8 cell for our particles outlast a lifetime tallied by numbers.
Our slumber tailed off from the expressions we gave others, but
Now we sleep under a canopy called heaven and the divine.
We are the Exodus, as a movement and a being, we hung our
Chains on the walls we climbed and shed our captivity.

We are without home, but cause has sheltered each footstep made.

Process engulf us – let the water we move through cleanse us
And the collapsing wall carry the naked truth to dry land
Where milk is the areola of the mother and the honey
Is shared with the workers humming melodies of hard labour.
We are not one by one, divided into components, but
All and one as we exhale the first moments of freedom.

The freedom beyond the squeeze of mechanical mash-ups, hopeless
Rights and U-turns, we slipped through the walls that echo our
Every move, the lie we told that grows, and the swear we sear onto our
Future grandchildren, I’ve told God to fuck off and science to sleep with me,
But the error of my ways is incorrect, and my dialect has changed.

I have reaped the benefits of shifty eyes and loose ties, coattails riders,
And an overcooked American pie, deposited my life goals into savings,
And blamed it all on television’s infomercials, school, and
The War on Ourselves, and took the fall 8 fold to find myself
On fours in wonder at the breathlessness of ego death.

We are all remnants of the wrong decision that cost us,
We are all the future of the past that teaches,
We are all.




Replied to Twixn's Thank you, and Possessed by Arc/Aries God

[Spoken Deity]

I see this as a solid drop man...
You have some great original imagery, metaphors and devices. There was little in those areas that i can really get on your back for. The only thing I'd see as weak is your structure and the constantly long images. Although good imagery, you brought it out to long a few times.
Try writing something a bit shorter, more concise images and then use run on sentence to captivate certain points.
Either way, good drop.
Hit the sig, God is Dead

[Lammy]

your pain is profound in your words. This piece was well spoken throughout .. appreciate the read.

[spokenoh]

Thanks, up.

[The Prestige]

Good drop man. You painted a picture very well, it was deep and emotional. I liked it. Although a few lines seemed to be a bit strecthed out. Taking out a few things would make it consistent with the rest of your poem. But overall good drop, R.I.P Mr. Tanner

[abiona]

Process engulf us – let the water we move through cleanse us
And the collapsing wall carry the naked truth to dry land
Where milk is the areola of the mother and the honey
Is shared with the workers humming melodies of hard labour.
We are not one by one, divided into components, but
All and one as we exhale the first moments of freedom.

that was a fantastic stanza.

i remember hearing about his death a week or so ago... and can see how places in this, particularlly in your opening stanza, capture that symbolically... trying to escape the confines of the world we live in... but ultimately succumbing to the wrath of that world.

the only critique i would have has already been stated... in terms of the need for a more stripped down version that would allow key images to stick out. nothin major, just a little cleaning up here and there.

with what you said inspired this... i could have seen the piece going in a totally cliche direction. and you made it into something much more. very well done.

[spokenoh]

Up again. Will return the favour.