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Thread: War Zone

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Rein Ryder's Avatar
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    War Zone

    War Zone

    *Boom*

    Trigger pulled as the mind is set
    Survive to see the morning sun
    Innocence is what they are killing
    so why survive and dream of the dead?
    Suicide is the last step from the horrors within
    With nightmares of children’s cries before their demise
    Or the scorched residues from the family that had lived
    Gas bombs and torching houses is ordinary to their soul

    Cracked helmets knocked off as turret bullets rush by,
    Life the simple gift is torn apart like their decaying dreams
    Death takes your fears to the day of dawning
    And your dreams to become your enemies nightmares
    Death grasps your heart before you drop in the trenches
    It is instant, when your face is filled with sorrow.

    The forbidden face of life overcasts on the ragged souls
    Waiting, just waiting for that bullet to score him one more
    Each time his anticipation closes in to his victorious cackle
    “Yes now drop to my sanctuary.”
    He says as a soldier departs his exestience on earth
    With a set mind a soldier knows fully well: Death
    It follows each armed soldier until the feel his presence
    Only Death will be tormenting,
    upon the days that will be forever counting…

    So i did this bit for my history class, got some good feedback, but i need professional comments.

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  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Rein Ryder's Avatar
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    Last edited by Rein Ryder; September 29th, 2008 at 10:57 PM

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  3. #3
    Get Touched abiona's Avatar
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    Re: War Zone

    lol... not really a professional... but i'll give you my opinion.

    Suicide is the last step from the horrors within
    With nightmares of children’s cries before their demise
    Or the scorched residues from the family that had lived
    Gas bombs and torching houses is ordinary to their soul
    uggh. the thought of that is just so terrible to me. sometimes i think the mental scars of war can be just as painful as the physical ones... if not more.

    i think you have some really stand-out images throughout the piece.... HOWEVER... you need to cut out some of the unnecessary wording. especially here:

    Cracked helmets knocked off as turret bullets rush by,
    Life the simple gift is torn apart like their decaying dreams
    Death takes your fears to the day of dawning
    And your dreams to become your enemies nightmares
    Death grasps your heart before you drop in the trenches
    It is instant, when your face is filled with sorrow.
    you want this stanza to be raw... because that is what it is describing. a more stark landscape would make your images more bold:

    Cracked helmets knocked off as turret bullets rush by,
    Life torn apart like decaying wishes (dont repeat dreams)
    Death takes fears to the day of dawning
    And dreams become enemies' nightmares
    Death grasps your heart
    before dropping into the trenches
    Face filled instantly with sorrow


    etc etc etc


    you have a lot of filler words that dont need to be in there.

    just my 2 cents though...

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Rein Ryder's Avatar
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    Re: War Zone

    thnx for the feed,
    appreciate it.

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