Mis[sed]Judgement

[Android]

Mis[sed]Judgement
by Android.

Build me of blooming buttercups,
maybe a red rose or two.
For the times when being chivalrous,
just makes me seem like a prick
in this day and age.

Once upon a (before) time...
Eve bit into the fruit of her labour
then was punished regarding her labour?
However...
Adam's apple was a little more bitter.
As he was condemned to yell in pain at Eve...
- Crushing every bone in his hand?
With a clasp like a crab's claw,
holding onto everything.
To produce something otherwise unprocurable.
...But what did we really achieve,
knowledge of good and evil?
Spare me the rotten apples.
I'd rather take the mystery box,
even a doggy bag...
- to help drag my pride alongside me.

History tells us we discovered fire.
- Humanities first taste of hell.
Active volcanoes around the world,
Scowled at creatures from a distance.
Yet not one person thought to take a look inside?
Seems curiosity saved this lucky black cat
before it turned to smoke.
Only for someone to 'discover' it anyway,
It's just a shame that with sudden warmth
- comes the cold shoulder of god.
As mankind got burnt simultaneously,
by both fire and ice.
Still holding a grudge?
It looks that way...

AD79. Ravaged.
Vesuvius drew it's last drawn-out breath.
Lungs filled with wrath and smoke,
and chest expanded in a pose befitting
of the Big Bad Wolf.
Lava snaking it's way down the slope
in a way that Medusa couldn't tame...
All the same though, when it arrived
the fossilised remains shared similarities of stone.
- Since the unfortunate became statues
built of molten dirt,
From just a resentful stare.

It seems that through-out our history,
God - codenamed: Mother Nature
must prove just how much he really dislikes us.
Hey, but that's blasphemy... "God is all-forgiving!"
Bullshit!
Maybe he just wants you to think that way.
While he highlights the words 'curse' and 'gullible'
in every bible, in every book, in every encryption of our 'soul(stice)'
and the sun will watch in declination,
beaming a disapproving stare that will one day kill us.

“We are one, after all,
you and I, together we suffer,
together exist and forever will recreate each other.”
- In our minds, over and over and over.
Like two sides of a revolving coin.

[Android]

Links

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...359/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...424/index.html

[Android]

up.

[Android]

_^_

[Spoken Deity]

You had some great images... the medusa line , big bad wolf, and fire/hell thing were all just really great. I felt your language was consistent and you story was interesting. Your narration was good, really slow and intelligent... kind of forcing the reading to soak it in, you know?
Though you've edited and added, I still feel the story doesn't pack much punch into the Vesuvius line... it's difficult to see where it's going. I'm all about the deity/spirituality poems, I feel there are various devices and things needed to write a quality poem with a theological nature. Tie the mountain in sooner... blend the story. Don't separate it.

Thanks for the feed

[P. Mortuus]

Android this is an interesting poem. The problem is it just doesn’t have a voice...or rather the one it has seems like a History Professors. The piece has highlights, like the whole section about Vesuvius but the way certain lines are worded and the language used it’s almost like I’m about to hear “Okay then class....” The piece needs a tune-up of language more akin to the Vesuvius or the buttercup part. The ending half is where this gets really apparent and I think removing the end and writing a fresh way to tie in your concept would make it better. I think just a change of language could really give a new coat to something really good. Your content is great it just needs a change of packaging. Good work though.

[spokenoh]

Yeah, I agree with Baron. The biggest fault in the writing is their is a pseudo-voice or narration. If you look at the work of new writers, you often see atypical or archetypal voicing. This is where you take a certain characterized tone.
Also, I think you need to take it easy on the hyphenated interjections. I know it's become popular (thanks to Atti who took it from Cummings), but it should only be used as an interjection. If there's a greater typographical purpose within the writing, I understand its use. It wasn't needed here. Same deal with parentheses - use them for thematic or conceptual purposes. Think of them the same way you would for an argument otherwise [unessential ].
Be careful about slinging together allusions as well. It's easy to just nit-pick ideas but to assemble them meaningfully is what separates those who want to look like they know what they're doing and those who- well, you know.
I did like the final stanza. That one and the first are crafted well.

[Android]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Yeah, I see the inconsistency issue in this poem as you all stated. Mucho appreciated. lol

[ItoldUIwasFat]

let me start off by saying i liked the narrative tone this piece had..as starting reading i understood why people said that. but as i kept reading it wasnt totally narrative to me. you did an excellent job on starting in a narrative tone but ending in a more personal soulful tone. the beginning sets the narration but towards the middle and especially the end the writing took a turn towards a more personal view of god and his teachings, writing and so on...very good piece i enjoyed it..upz