i danced in hell; you danced with hell in you

[Atti]

i've watched industry erect in the reflection of your pupils;
that i stared so blankly into, hoping to speak easy
against the prohibitions of your dueling shoulder blades
while my tongue leaves tracks along your spine,
for steam engines to swallow the arch
of your guilt.

i watched you dance all the way from Charleston,
South Carolina to Paris, France
while i sprinted in reverse,
sucking the hairpins off of swastikas.
the way your lips tiptoe across each other,
so tight yet, free in form
that every soft sigh of articulation tickles those trumpet reeds,
and the jazz of your thoughtless melodies
paint the soundtrack to the horror films
playing on the backsides of my eyelids.

i ate the rot of hell knee deep in bodies,
below the weight of a nations heart beat
so dense it ripples in your peripheral.
we played rifles like your trumpets
and made jazz of murder,
while you carried a piece of me
beneath the stench of liquor in your murmur.

the heart you've trader for a flappers lust
is the one i kept taped into the underside of my helmet,
so if my forehead ever swallowed anything heavier than your kiss
i'd have that split second to pretend it was your lips.

your womb as rotten as your liver;
your future as black as my past,
and i refuse to carry our sin
when it was you who made it
-that.

[Atti]

squareroot & art

[Composure]

and made jazz of murder,
while you carried a piece of me
beneath the stench of liquor in your murmur.
^^^ I liked this use of jazz better than your first. That last line strikes a chord with me as I'm sure it strikes a chord with many others. Maybe not as extreme, but alcohol and problems have been going steady for ages.

i've watched industry erect in the reflection of your pupils;
that i stared so blankly into, hoping to speak easy
against the prohibitions of your dueling shoulder blades
while my tongue leaves tracks along your spine,
^^^ This was a very smooth intro, I liked the dueling shoulder blades metaphor, like the are at war with themself, but it's possibly a lover that is being viewed (and apparently tasted) from behind...

the heart you've trader for a flappers lust
is the one i kept taped into the underside of my helmet,
so if my forehead ever swallowed anything heavier than your kiss
i'd have that split second to pretend it was your lips.
^^^ This was awesome, my favorite part of the piece! The hate/love that is prevalent in most relationships mixed with an intense situation to help fully feel these emotions...

Cool stuff, this is the first thing I've read from you and I dig it.

[Soul Slayer]

I like the vibe of this poem. It's not just another love poem. The concept was both unique and wekk executed. Your opening was very engaging and really set the tone for this poem. You had some witty metaphors in this read and quite frankly, i enjoyed ypur piece because you didn't try to over embellish things and i think the storyline is something that every one who has been in a relationship can relate with. So there was a bit of irony in it and that's a result of great writing technique. Keep the flowetry smooth. Cheers

[ItoldUIwasFat]

man i dunno where to start here i hope my reply is good enough lol..

first off let me say that i really enjoy your writing style i thought you expressed yourself in a manner that every one or at least on this site can relate to, as well as the subject of course.

the metaphoric feel to each line was greatly appreciated man simply brilliant and captured my attention from the get go.

against the prohibitions of your dueling shoulder blades
while my tongue leaves tracks along your spine,

the word usage of wordplay here is just something to aw at lol i loved the last line, such emotion and imagery put to together nicely.

hat every soft sigh of articulation tickles those trumpet reeds,
and the jazz of your thoughtless melodies
paint the soundtrack to the horror films
playing on the backsides of my eyelid

absolutely the best part and my favorite of the entire piece, i mean again the metaphoric feel of this is what i fucking love man the way you used a musical tone to express yourself is again something to aw at, well done.

so if my forehead ever swallowed anything heavier than your kiss
i'd have that split second to pretend it was your lips.

wow.

thank you for posting this piece and i hope to read more from you.

[abiona]

"hoping to speak easy of the prohibitions..."

Quite the clever one.

If the Roaring 20s had a love song it would read like this. The grit of post WWI clashing with the rise of bohemia told through notes of jazz. Made me feel like watching Moulin Rouge. ha.

You make me fall in love with words over and over again when I read your pieces because no one tells stories quite like you. Always a puzzle... with gems that can only be unearthed when one goes treasure hunting.

xo