What is it all for?

[whitesmoke96]

from youtube beat:
"All For What" Sad Emotional Piano Beat
by: DansonnBeats




the human race, humorous...who says
we're ending up anywhere at the end
of this timeline? yeah, my mind's
blind to refinement
just cuz my alignment
was reassigned to find that
crime is a mindless
activity, me? still guilty I admit passively..
such depravities are stuck to my teeth like cavities
and so ive grown into what's known as apathy
actually, i hold only one interest...yeah... it's agony

listen to this rap imitating a rhapsody
im faced with the craze of blasphemy
am i ill? behind my eyelids lie
still images of faces facing fatality
no more reality no more normality
i was born only to pour profanity
sadly, only seen as a teen in his trivial path
i speak to seek individual spirituality

leave behind toys and trophies, scrape for closure
keep my composure. realize the world is illegal
it's existence wreaks of indecent exposure
behold, the planet has advanced
its standards but it don't stand fuckin' a chance
to cancer and all plans to slaughter man
now answer as the dollar gets smaller...
......what is it all for?

[Zen the Dude]

Word. I can dig it. My main complaint is on the formatting as you spaced the lines in mid sentence. I've done that before as well, but I find now it makes things a little harder on the reader. That's just a tip though. As for the writing itself, it's something every writer had written about. Pressures from society, questions on life, etc. but you laid down your own personal take to this and made it unique. Very nice. The rhymes themselves were slightly basic but continue writing and your vocabulary will grow as well. Nice first post man. Keep dropping.

[Fresh]

Decent drop man.. Damn I wasnt expecting you to drop something this dope on your first go. I'm diggin the concept, you're kind of touching on the state of the world and all the pointless crap that goes on, decent concept. The flow seemed on point for the most part. Vocabulary was alright, fairly simple but it worked for what you were trying to get across. My criticism would be to try and throw some metaphors in there, and some hyperbole's maybe... And also try experimenting with multi syllabic rhyme schemes, you'll be a serious contender once you hone your skills here my man, nice drop homie keep at it.

P.S. Dont forget to drop some feed and leave two links here or this will get taken down by a moderator.

[whitesmoke96]

if this is something you guys like i'd suggest checking out what I posted to "Illusions" by BluntedBeatz link below




and thanks guys for feedback, I never get more than a thumbs up on youtube. I appreciate the time and thought you put in and I assure I have more potential than I let on. Consider every word of advice you've given taken to heart, respect

[whitesmoke96]

oh yeah, and you can see the majority of what ive posted to youtube on the link below leading to my google+ wall/profile thing. vids are included where lyrics are so its all there if you wanna check it out. Name Brandon White if link fails

https://plus.google.com/u/0/102807310835341295624/posts