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Thread: The Burning Man

  1. #1
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    The Burning Man

    Featuring Android, Truth Iscariot, and Witty.



    The Burning Man



    Smother these flames.
    Douse them with something
    to soothe the soul.
    The sticks are being
    charred black in this bag,
    of flesh and mismatched parts.
    - Although the burning
    lights and illuminates,
    the faceless portraits
    of which I'd never seen
    Hanging in the dark.


    My thoughts were once raveled like the masses of grazing cattle
    Inhibitions neatly stacked inside of my mind – the mechanism embattled
    My soul was once whole controlled by the views of the populace
    Which populate peaceful the broken Metropolis
    Its shattered shards ranging from Annapolis to Demopolis
    The downed leader mutinied by monopolists
    The resting place of the dishonored witch
    which only tried to do well

    These visions were the igniter to the everlasting flames of hell
    To burns into my thoughts and my soul as well

    The tone of bells sounds as my brain begins to burn
    While praying that the pain rescinds, I've learned
    That faith in him's absurd, and blatant sin
    Only causes pain within, my words were vacant...thin...
    -returned-
    Unread and Unopened, The Son's dead..The Sun's broken
    They once said that love's hope can overcome oceans
    of misery, but the potion they give to me, is potent
    I'm history...just a loaded gun's notion

    And even as I'm still alive, I'm turning in my grave


    The burning of the brain was beneficial
    It was the closest thing to spiritual
    That resembled my fleshy frame yearning pain
    Like a Martyr seeking the key to his oak inspired veins
    The knowledge of Olympus – Mine, it became
    Poseidon’s depth and wisdom akin to mine. The same.

    The power's sinking in, am I insane?
    Defiant flames scorch preachers and prophets, a crying shame
    Those that taught peace....Jesus....Mohammed...now die in pain
    My eye is trained on the demons that tie the chains
    To those whose words were specious, the silent saints
    Violence maims the pious, as their tight restraints
    Cut against their skin, I see their pain...the glee
    On Satan's face, as the heat melts the chains, I'm free
    While they grieve in heinous seas of disdain, disease
    My mind is already burning, and now my brain receives
    An ultimatum....please....take away their pain...
    And give the flames to me


    This acquisition reigned over the Burning tempest
    Declared itself master but the suffering was finished
    I felt no plight, nor need for repentance
    The chains of the deities’ sob as their chains diminish
    To bits of rubble laying before me
    The gods used to mock; now they abhor me
    The Burning Man

    Spiralling out of control,
    my conscience is dancing.
    Swaying around my self,
    like some submissive hula.
    Yet binding my soul together
    to the screaming bones
    inside the tightening circle
    around my chest.
    - Reconnecting
    all of the shattered parts
    and reliving them,
    - Over and over.
    Last edited by Witty; May 17th, 2014 at 12:29 PM

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  2. #2
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Re: The Burning Man

    Damn witty you did a great job of weaving this all together.

    AI

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  3. #3
    .exe Android's Avatar
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    Re: The Burning Man

    I like it. Nice work guys, time for a cuppa.



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    Why'd they riot in the UK just to take some stuff?
    While the houses of parliament still remained untouched.
    - Mikill Pane

  4. #4
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: The Burning Man

    Links coming asap

  5. #5
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: The Burning Man

    Also @Android and @Truth Iscariot I posted this on netcees too, I hope you don't mind.

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  6. #6
    .exe Android's Avatar
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    Re: The Burning Man

    Quote Originally Posted by Witty. View Post
    Also @Android and @Truth Iscariot I posted this on netcees too, I hope you don't mind.
    Nah, I don't go to Netcees but I have no problem. lol



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    Why'd they riot in the UK just to take some stuff?
    While the houses of parliament still remained untouched.
    - Mikill Pane

  7. #7
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Re: The Burning Man

    I have an NC account but I have never posted. Sounds good though

    AI

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  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Narrator's Avatar
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    Re: The Burning Man

    Quote Originally Posted by Witty. View Post
    Featuring Android, Truth Iscariot, and Witty.



    The Burning Man



    Smother these flames.
    Douse them with something
    to soothe the soul.
    The sticks are being
    charred black in this bag,
    of flesh and mismatched parts.
    - Although the burning
    lights and illuminates,
    the faceless portraits
    of which I'd never seen
    Hanging in the dark.



    this first verse had a real poetic vibe to it, not what im used too (the lack of rhymes or whatever) but I was still beautifully written. On the last site I was on nobody wrote true poetry so its refreshing to read

    My thoughts were once raveled like the masses of grazing cattle
    Inhibitions neatly stacked inside of my mind – the mechanism embattled
    My soul was once whole controlled by the views of the populace
    Which populate peaceful the broken Metropolis
    Its shattered shards ranging from Annapolis to Demopolis
    The downed leader mutinied by monopolists
    The resting place of the dishonored witch
    which only tried to do well

    These visions were the igniter to the everlasting flames of hell
    To burns into my thoughts and my soul as well

    The tone of bells sounds as my brain begins to burn
    While praying that the pain rescinds, I've learned
    That faith in him's absurd, and blatant sin
    Only causes pain within, my words were vacant...thin...
    -returned-
    Unread and Unopened, The Son's dead..The Sun's broken
    They once said that love's hope can overcome oceans
    of misery, but the potion they give to me, is potent
    I'm history...just a loaded gun's notion

    And even as I'm still alive, I'm turning in my grave

    The burning of the brain was beneficial
    It was the closest thing to spiritual
    That resembled my fleshy frame yearning pain
    Like a Martyr seeking the key to his oak inspired veins
    The knowledge of Olympus – Mine, it became
    Poseidon’s depth and wisdom akin to mine. The same.



    Im gunna say this was truths portion, or at least the majority of it. You have a great nack for rhyming and your starting to become one of my favorite writers to read, if I had one complaint, well its not even a complaint really, just more of a suggestion it would be to try to perforn a little more complex multi syllabic end rhymes for example, where you said yearning pain and the next end rhyme was inspired viens, only the last word rhymes which makes it a simple single syllable end rhyme. If u add another rhyming word before vien it will improve you flow, for instance....


    That resembled my fleshy frame, yearning pain
    Like a martyr seeking keys to his oak inspired purging viens


    ....or urging viens, whatever really. All im saying is if you work on these minor mechanics you would be a fucking beast. Rea some pieces from witty, he's one of the best with that which leads me to believe his verse is next



    The power's sinking in, am I insane?
    Defiant flames scorch preachers and prophets, a crying shame
    Those that taught peace....Jesus....Mohammed...now die in pain
    My eye is trained on the demons that tie the chains
    To those whose words were specious, the silent saints
    Violence maims the pious, as their tight restraints
    Cut against their skin, I see their pain...the glee
    On Satan's face, as the heat melts the chains, I'm free
    While they grieve in heinous seas of disdain, disease
    My mind is already burning, and now my brain receives
    An ultimatum....please....take away their pain...
    And give the flames to me


    this really is just a flawless verse. Very well constructed. Props

    This acquisition reigned over the Burning tempest
    Declared itself master but the suffering was finished
    I felt no plight, nor need for repentance
    The chains of th e deities’ sob as their chains diminish
    To bits of rubble laying before me
    The gods used to mock; now they abhor me
    The Burning Man

    this was good but slightly choppy, could have been reworded or just omitted tbh

    Spiralling out of control,
    my conscience is dancing.
    Swaying around my self,
    like some submissive hula.
    Yet binding my soul together
    to the screaming bones
    inside the tightening circle
    around my chest.
    - Reconnecting
    all of the shattered parts
    and reliving them,
    - Over and over.



    Android im going to say this is you, along with the first verse. While written beutifully by themselves, it was just a different kind of poetry (non-rhyming) so it kind of stuck out. Try venturing out of your realm a little bit and test some new boundries


    so this was pretty dope collab from three different point of view and styles which normally just clash really bad but this was pretty good to be honest. I enjoyed the read (obviously because im feeding this from my phone and that's just hard to do lol) but yea I think you guys meshed well and this was a successful collab. Props


    EDIT- now go feed one of my pieces lol
    Last edited by Narrator; May 17th, 2014 at 12:20 PM

  9. #9

    Re: The Burning Man

    Kudos to all three for this piece, I tip my hat to each and every one of you.. Vivid imagery with verses that are relatable on various levels and I'm going ocd with finding parallels to all the metaphores.. ;D

  10. #10
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: The Burning Man

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...Soldier-s-Only

    1ST LINK...my bad for taking so long.

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