A Severed Forever

[trajik]

A Severed Forever

she's sweeter than decadence
I feel that heaven's bliss
is wherever her presence is
she's the period to my sentences
with a myriad of beautiful traits
unusual grace and infinite integrity
call me Buzz or Woody, I'm grateful
every single time she plays with me
she's faithful and my heart has no vacancy
I've no patience, see - I want her right now!
dead or alive she spins my head right round
like a broken record, I want her on repeat
time to clean up and sweep her off her feet
with her I want the marriage and the baby carriage
when we're climbing trees my mind's at ease
put a ring on it like Beyonce's advice
make her my fiance - my partner in life...

it's just sad no matter how good we are
this heavenly scenario would be far
eternity is just outside of our reach
they say there's as many stars in the sky
as there are grains of sand on the beach
but only half as many fucks that I give, no lie
this is all new territory for me like Magellan
but the more I explore, the more I find compelling...



@Emily @Ctrl Alt Elite @montauk @Euphoric

[Emily]

Ok, trajik, this is really nice. Your talent for not only streamline rhyme but interesting content is obvious.
I think what I really appreciate about this drop is its flow.
The body/core of your msg is woven in such a sweet way.
Like-minded words meet, and end on the same scale. There is no part over riding another.
Instead it all works together as a whole and has that polish imo
because of its uniform pattern and stream like nature.

she's sweeter than decadence
I feel that heaven's bliss
is wherever her presence is

Simple and oh so elegant. Really lovely wording.

like a broken record, I want her on repeat
time to clean up and sweep her off her feet

So smooth trajik. I like what you're saying here.
I especially like the natural state of this. No uneasy pauses of glitches.
Tone just right, pace perfect.

I also appreciate your internals and rhymes in general.

eternity is just outside of our reach
they say there's as many stars in the sky
as there are grains of sand on the beach
but only half as many fucks that I give, no lie

^^ Probably my favourite part. So real. Honest. And raw.

Beautiful work trajik. But then again, you always were good at what you do.

Sorry it took me a bit of time to feed this.
Generally I feed in order from oldest to newest.
: )

Beautiful read.


Thank you.

[trajik]

oh wow thank you em, i just noticed your reply now. thank you.

i really really really need to reply some feedback....

if anyone gives me feed give me links to 2-4 pieces and i will absolutely return the feedback, i'm sorry i've always been lousy with feedback

[Emily]

That's ok trajik.
Here's my four links.
The pieces aren't mine, but I'm the one posting them lol....pretty selfless aye? ; )

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...nd-Enemy-Lines
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...-The-Classroom
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?491484-She
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...dals-Ayahuasca

If you have time, for all or any of these, I'd appreciate it.

: )


(Bet you thought I wouldn't take you up on the offer. Neither did I. But a spark of light shone down from heaven,
and...bingo.)

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

she's sweeter than decadence
I feel that heaven's bliss
is wherever her presence is
she's the period to my sentences
Nice use of vocabulary here - Your typical OM style is prevalent and it all flows well.
with a myriad of beautiful traits
unusual grace and infinite integrity
call me Buzz or Woody, I'm grateful
every single time she plays with me
I say this every time I feed your work... these sorts of similes are so OM... it throws me off to see them here. Not in a bad way, in a refreshing way. Poetry doesn't have to be all seriousness all the time and we forget that.
she's faithful and my heart has no vacancy
I've no patience, see - I want her right now!
dead or alive she spins my head right round
Not sure about dead or alive... seems an odd choice, I may be missing something.
like a broken record, I want her on repeat
time to clean up and sweep her off her feet
I like this... reminds me of "I wanna be yours" A poem by John Cooper Clarke (although you'll like know it better by the Arctic Monkeys song of the same title which is basically them just singing the poem)
with her I want the marriage and the baby carriage
when we're climbing trees my mind's at ease
put a ring on it like Beyonce's advice
make her my fiance - my partner in life...
Nothing to complain about here

it's just sad no matter how good we are
this heavenly scenario would be far
eternity is just outside of our reach
they say there's as many stars in the sky
as there are grains of sand on the beach
but only half as many fucks that I give, no lie
this is all new territory for me like Magellan
but the more I explore, the more I find compelling...
Nice close to this piece, kinda lowers the mood, bit of a twist. I like it.


Nice drop here man, a good read. Thanks!

[trajik]

she's faithful and my heart has no vacancy
I've no patience, see - I want her right now!
dead or alive she spins my head right round
Not sure about dead or alive... seems an odd choice, I may be missing something.
like a broken record, I want her on repeat
time to clean up and sweep her off her feet
I like this... reminds me of "I wanna be yours" A poem by John Cooper Clarke (although you'll like know it better by the Arctic Monkeys song of the same title which is basically them just singing the poem)

thanks for the feed man.

http://www.metrolyrics.com/you-spin-...-or-alive.html

it's an 80s rock reference. the band Dead or Alive had a song called You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)

i will have to check out that song, i love their song i bet you look good on the dance floor

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

Ah of course it is! My bad buddy, I didn't pick up the reference for some reason.

P.s here's my link http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...nd-Enemy-Lines
@trajik

[143]

I see the homie putting on his big boy poetry pants on with this @trajik . I really digging this and going on record to say that this is you lane here. I love the pure emotion of need in this that it's unbridled, uninhibited. Graphing these imagery with soft undertones really plays to the topic, the movement, the feelings. That dead or alive line is a great line to show the depths of the fore and after mentioned feelings and need for this character. I am deeply impressed and mad that you haven't delve into this realm more often....Dope shit my brother...