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Thread: New Jersey 1972

  1. #1
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    New Jersey 1972

    The passions...

    ...burning memoirs of the slightest decree,
    Hindsight to a beach where the shores wade into sea.
    Get it? Cause it's... Nevermind fuck an apology
    I'd rather rot beneath if we're speaking honestly.
    I mean it with each ounce outta me because I'm done,
    Being a facade to a cause in a war with no gun.
    .
    .
    .
    As the tar burns I inject my disgust but at least im fed
    Bleed truth through dyslexia; often misused or misread.
    Intrepid dreams looming
    These screams are soothing
    Words bruising...
    ...bird's eye view
    The abnormalities that I loved once in a blue moon.
    Desecrated hearts bound by chariot dreams,
    Concealed from the peripherals of simpletons.
    Lungs filled with gasses infecting the streams,
    No youth for the future as we remain the little ones.
    The seed hath fallen; makers of our own demise,
    Tainting the very truth that we misconstrued in the lies.
    .
    .
    .
    Amidst the nights calling as the street laid silent,
    Waffle and chicken plates fed our minds in that climate.
    Drawing memories onto that glass case, should have seen how the past chased.
    Sparking every follicle to stand tall yet with a masked face.
    That dreary night crept into my mind merely half baked,
    I'm passed aches as the murder continued of those who didn't have faith.
    As silver pierced embodiments with only half haste,
    The plating burned; tugging the skin leaving many with a bad taste...

    That's enough. Order in the court.
    Mr. Michaels I've heard enough out of you.
    Had one chance to plead your case
    You chose to flaunt the very tears you consumed.

    I here by sentence you to death.


    But I've only begun...
    ... There is more.


    -Story
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  2. #2
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: New Jersey 1972

    The introduction into this scenario has an element of beautiful contradiction, not only in tone with its use of sarcasm and irony but also with imagery. That juxtaposition of oppositional difference is something I like ie) that third line comes and flips the script.
    Also, that last line in paragraph one hits the spot. Good job.
    Flow wise your intro doesn’t stagnate or trip, it’s just a smooth read and the dots leading down slows the pace giving us a pause that’s well placed between the verses. It gives us time to ponder what’s to come next.
    The reflections in the second verse carry an air of elegance even though the content isn’t the sweetest of fond memories. Your ability to be able to carry the weight of distain over to the reader is commendable. The black and white in the wording gives us a glimpse at the inner turmoil this person has experienced with an obvious ill-adjusted outcome, almost like functioning disruption is constantly waiting for him. Poetically, your rhymes have dictated the flow with a solid sound, hats off. The third verse has some great lines in it. Seeing him reflect on the happenings of that night, only half fitting them into his memory. Bits of beauty in the second line meshing with fear in the fourth. I’m a little confused with this verse. I keep looking and reading and I’m wondering if there’s cannibalism involved or just murder with no fries on the side. An enigma.
    Your outro gives us the bigger picture, placing him where he belongs, I guess, but…I have more questions.
    They think he’s the murderer, but is he? I think so. Serial.
    Did he eat them?
    Why the title?
    All in all even though I’m not 100% crystal clear on that ending, I really don't care. I loved this piece.
    It's so well written. you're a master story teller. You have consistently strong flow and wording that pulls the reader in, compelling them to read more and want more.
    I’m tired from a full day but I’ll be reading this again tomorrow and I’ll maybe have to adjust some feed.
    Interesting read. The jury’s not out but it’s looking good.

    Pleasure to read and feed

    Thank you




    ..burning memoirs of the slightest decree,
    Hindsight to a beach where the shores wade into sea.
    Get it? Cause it's... Nevermind fuck an apology
    I'd rather rot beneath if we're speaking honestly.


    Howzat? That's so good. Great intro.
    Last edited by Emily; December 16th, 2021 at 05:12 AM

  3. #3
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: New Jersey 1972

    Thank you @Emily much love
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  4. #4
     Murder The Mainstream Nohbody's Avatar
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    Re: New Jersey 1972

    Quote Originally Posted by Spoken View Post
    The passions...

    ...burning memoirs of the slightest decree,
    Hindsight to a beach where the shores wade into sea.
    Get it? Cause it's... Nevermind fuck an apology
    I'd rather rot beneath if we're speaking honestly.
    I mean it with each ounce outta me because I'm done,
    Being a facade to a cause in a war with no gun.
    ok so, we start off staring at the crashing waves and the dude must be down on luck because hes seeing himself die beneath them. wording is ok so far. the internals are good but the scheme at the end of the lines are a bit missing here.

    As the tar burns I inject my disgust but at least im fed
    Bleed truth through dyslexia; often misused or misread.
    Intrepid dreams looming
    These screams are soothing
    Words bruising...
    ...bird's eye view
    The abnormalities that I loved once in a blue moon.
    Desecrated hearts bound by chariot dreams,
    Concealed from the peripherals of simpletons.
    Lungs filled with gasses infecting the streams,
    No youth for the future as we remain the little ones.
    The seed hath fallen; makers of our own demise,
    Tainting the very truth that we misconstrued in the lies.
    so in this section... the scheme is even more disorganized. there are certain spots where i really like the word choices you are tapping into... inject my disgust, chariot dreams, peripherals of simpletons, remain the little ones ... it all feels poetic and even though the plot of all this is missing on me so far, it has a cool dark tone and them i like

    Amidst the nights calling as the street laid silent,
    Waffle and chicken plates fed our minds in that climate.
    Drawing memories onto that glass case, should have seen how the past chased.
    Sparking every follicle to stand tall yet with a masked face.
    That dreary night crept into my mind merely half baked,
    I'm passed aches as the murder continued of those who didn't have faith.
    As silver pierced embodiments with only half haste,
    The plating burned; tugging the skin leaving many with a bad taste..

    That's enough. Order in the court.
    Mr. Michaels I've heard enough out of you.
    Had one chance to plead your case
    You chose to flaunt the very tears you consumed.

    I here by sentence you to death.


    But I've only begun...
    ... There is more.

    -Story

    the schemes are much better in this section. much cleaner . . past chased / masked face / half baked / have faith. the 3rd line came in a bit forced, but set off those series of multis so i aint mad at it. The new issue im having is trying to figure out what this is all about really lol. i get that your trying to be cryptic and abstract but damn bro... how you go into a murder that was never even touched on? its like a movie introducing a character then scene two has him in prison for a murder that the audience never got to see or even knows about. and you never circle back to explain anything ..... what am i missing here?

    well, thats all i can really say. i liked parts of it because bits and pieces sounded cool.. but i would have been more satisfied with a better developed story that actually had a start, middle, end

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    An unarmed man is a victim
    .

  5. #5
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: New Jersey 1972

    Thanks fam... I thought the ending would be a dead give away for a part 2 but ill label it in next time to invoke its gonna be a series my bad. Appreciate your feed. Noted tsken and will adapt.
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  6. #6
    MAD! A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: New Jersey 1972

    You have a lot of awards Spoken and I see why... I'm not in a position to give technical advice cause I don't know anything about all that but the subject I can slightly relate to. The few paragraph drew me in but I lost connection thru the middle. Like if mine hated me I wouldn't be so bitter just hurt. Then the death sentence at the end... that was an amazing twist. I'd like to read and learn more.
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  7. #7
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: New Jersey 1972

    Thank you very much for the love @A Disciple
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