open my window

[pa caso]

advice please....anything positive to help me on dis 1 would be good


open my window so i can breath,
i want to smell the freshness of the maple trees,
please...

open my window so i can see,
i want to see what the shadow really could be,
please...

open my window so i can fly,
i want to visit my friends who lived a short life,
please...

open my window so the wind can carry my cry,
i want the world to know what pain feels like on the inside,
please...

open my window to mother nature,
i want her to help me find myself....
wait...

dont open my window,
i was told demands come with death...

[Foreshadow]

Overall it was decent.. But this piece seemed a little bit repetitive.. But for the most part the imagery was decent the emotion was okay I thought it could have been better..

[Pet-P'eve]

Overall it was decent.. But this piece seemed a little bit repetitive.. But for the most part the imagery was decent the emotion was okay I thought it could have been better..

me too guy, damn, its like some gr8 poem...

[Varentao]

It's hard to do these kinds of repetitious pieces. And though i the idea seemed good. It didn't quite come off. It fell into its rigid montonous structure when i read it. It had nothing to it, i'd put it down to experience (hopefully that doesn't sound too patronising).

Develop your ideas. Re-read it and see if you can catch the flow while it still meaning something as you do it.

[!.VeRbZ.!]

nice peice felt the imagery creativity was fine......complexity was good cud of been better but good ...keep it up ill be looking for more peices from u....oh yeah and i also liked how the title matched the peice...and go hit up ma peice honestly its intitled Brotherly Love