Slash Ya

[BrutalB]

Here it Goes.....

As I disembowel your corpse, all you see is red,
when your guts are on my table you know your fuckin dead,
Step 2 is an axe to the side of your head,
where you keep those long stank unwashed dreads.
I cut your brain open with knives that are chosen,
and just know that I'll be devourin the flesh thats golden, leave you with all your bones broken, dying and choking,
dont piss me off, cuz all bets are off,
let my dogs after you that'll tear your fuckin testicles off.
Im the demon that has you bleedin, while you sleepin,
and dreamin, so start screamin for your life, or I'll come quick with my knife, stab you so deep, when you fucking your wife, I'll pierce HER heart twice.

[cLOUD9]

this started off ok...u kinda killed it at the last two lines...i say work on structure...but uneed to post on other peoples ryhmes in order to post up ur ryhmes

[PhillyKat]

This was alright. The style can get repetitive, so in future drops work on different topics to be more well rounded. At the end you had some internal rhyming, keep that up.

[PhillyKat]

Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255669

[niceillestchic]

[I]okay i gotta help u out

come on man ur rhymes cant get n e more lame
tha bright light iz starten to dull right on ur fame
im from brooklyn where a rhyme is like a gun
u say tha wrong thing and ur life iz ova son
i dont play repin south side all day
i dont use bats i fuck wit tham ak'z
14 years old gotta life too live
but im woopin ur azz aint tha sum shyt
only head on tha table iz gonna b urz
or i strap u up and make u get down on all fourz
but iz a wrap im done now put this in ur mouth im talkin bout mah gun

[MADDUS]

^^wrong forum

this is fa brutal...ya end rhyme killed flow in some parts, you need to
up ya vocab,strong opener, middle section needs work, closer was nice,
best flow in the peace, it was ight..stay up...peace

[StRiNgThEoRy]

Multies: A couple
Vocab: Better...
Flow: Started ok, but got drawn out
Structure: ^^^ditto
Emotion: Very Evident

ADVICE:
Calm down a little, and try to structure ya verse...Keep lines around the same length...Try to develop a rhyme scheme that works...The emotion was great towards the end, tho the flow got worse...

VERDICT: 7/10

...stay up...

[Legacy01]

This was an aiight rhyme, was a good start. But it ended with less skill i thought.
The flow was there at the start n then just got a lil off track as i read on, the wordplay was ok in places and overall, this was an okay piece. Just need to up on complexity, well done man, keep droppin
~1~

[Trema]

this was ok i can tell you gots potential. up your vocab and your structure and this would be better. And also you need to follow the rules or this will be closed.