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Thread: The Day Of Relief

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Britty D's Avatar
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    The Day Of Relief

    She was so smart, so pretty, and so outgoing
    But no one notice her pain that was occuring
    Everyday she dreaded coming home to father
    Hoping for a change he would'nt try to bother
    Taking her in his room and putting her on the bed
    And she knew what guilt was lying ahead
    Her pant came off and her legs began to spread
    Her dad smoked on his last hit of weed he had
    She began to scream and then make big gasps
    But her dad just shushed her up with his hand
    And said he was only trying to be her friend
    She tried tossing and turning in hope to escape
    But her dads body was to strong to break
    So she began to talk to the Man above
    And ask why she was deprived of his love
    The pain slowly got heavier and heavier
    It was something that was so unbearable
    She began to hear a voice in the distance
    It was a soothing voice with consistance
    She could only make out just a few word
    It something like baby momma heard
    She could hear her dad saying this is absurd
    And finally she realized what had occured
    And sense of comfort came to her surprise
    That my dream has got him arrested 2ngjht
    And never again would she be molested
    As her and my mom layed in bed and rested
    Last edited by Britty D; December 10th, 2005 at 04:27 PM
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  2. #2
    .:YungPete:.
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    that's good work on yo struture,and creativity a little,and ull be cool

  3. #3
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    really borring... imagry wasnt great, you told a story... not a lot of good metaphors or anything... i strong attempt... this should be in open mic... your rhyme scheme is weak. lose it.

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Britty D's Avatar
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    uppin 4 votes
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  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Britty D's Avatar
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    lol i mean feed back
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  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Britty D's Avatar
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    talk to me
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  7. #7
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    it was straight just try to be more creative put more emotion in it pretty good though keep elaveting

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Britty D's Avatar
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    Hey give me some advice on what i need to work on
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  9. #9
    Live, Love, Burn, Die
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    This was a nice simple piece. I liked the flow of it. Nice structure. It wasn't very complex, but it kept me enterained. Add more emotion. You're getting better, keep on elevating.

  10. #10
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Britty D's Avatar
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    feedback please..................
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  11. #11
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Britty D's Avatar
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    feedback please..................
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