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Thread: Breaking Concrete.

  1. #1
    Soule
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    Breaking Concrete.

    Breaking Concrete



    I love today, I'll live tomorrow
    just to see, if I can walk away
    if you are there, see my sorrow
    but only if I am still afraid.

    There she stands, the new you
    asking all about my misery
    we hold hands; thinking of you
    trying to create history.

    It's been days, since our nights
    too long of a tug on my pain
    but it's alright, she's my heroine
    and a addiction that won't stain.

    I apologized, what more do you need?
    Leaving was another of 'our choices'
    sorry to have ruined your dreams, but
    now, I can't hear any other voices.

    I also apologize for being too safe
    never attended to kill your addiction
    I only wanted a LIVING soul mate
    who hates any type of pain affliction.

    Though I love her; there you are
    under my skin, where you sleep
    appearing now like an eternal scar
    tearing my mind; breaking concrete.

  2. #2

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Knight-Mare's Avatar
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    Re: Breaking Concrete.

    Really liked this piece, very good imagery, got a kind of soul to it.
    It is good how you were able to put a clear image of your story into readers minds almost instantly, very well thought out.
    In my eyes it felt like a sad piece but with a slight glow to it, and that is quite difficult to do with poetry.
    A genuine hearty verse, very good.
    9/10

    Keep it up.

    Could you read my piece titled "Is this my answer?"
    Last edited by Knight-Mare; March 27th, 2008 at 05:48 PM Reason: Forgot to add

  4. #4
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Breaking Concrete.

    already fed your piece. You have potential, just keep writing and doing your homework. Thanks for the feed.

  5. #5
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Breaking Concrete.

    Rise to the fallen, I fed two more pieces today!

  6. #6
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Re: Breaking Concrete.

    Word so it had beautiful emotion, very strong vocabulary and you placed each word carefully and poetically, the story was nice and easy to follow, and the pic went with what you were portraying nicely

    I liked the drop, probably your best, worth a nom more than likley.

    AI

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  7. #7
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Breaking Concrete.

    Thanks esse.

  8. #8
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    Re: Breaking Concrete.

    Bell, i'll admit you have improved alot since I last read you. Great job! This piece was clean cut, and run smoothly in most areas. The heroine metaphor is pretty used but fit well with this peice, good choice to show addiction. I call it a metaphor, even though it seems more like a similie, but it lacked like/as. But who cares? But anyway, this is just a short, simple, summation of the piece. I enjoyed it, and again, I think this was as clean cut as a freshly shaven beard, and that you have improved alot.

    -Poetria.
    Legion of Kings.

  9. #9
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Breaking Concrete.

    Thanks again man..

    *grabs two more links so this doesn't get closed*

  10. #10

  11. #11
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    Re: Breaking Concrete.

    wow this is a cool piece, nice rhyme scheme but what caught me in was the exceptional wording you used. right there that made this piece dope. emotion was nice as well, but shit son the wording just blew me away. yea this HoF material.

  12. #12
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Breaking Concrete.

    Thanks man.

  13. #13
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Breaking Concrete.

    Rise, this nominated masterpiece craves feedback.. don't let it rest in the dark people! LEAVE LINKS.

  14. #14
    I'm On Everything Brandon Cee's Avatar
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    Re: Breaking Concrete.

    You've gotten a lot better, poetry-wise. I liked this. Awesome imager yand emotion was veyr realistic and heart-felt. I think you went out on a limb and it really pulled otgether for you. Glad to see that from you man. Keep dropping, this is definitely good man. Great job on this piece, keep working on your shit, you got it here in this peotry shit bro. Perace.

    Hit up my piece, "Statues and Bananas"
    Legendary Song - Winter Snow



  15. #15
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Breaking Concrete.

    will rtf soon. thanks.

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