Thieves Liers And Back Stabbers

[Flipped]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=415091

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=414803


This is for them shape shifting, sack dippen, wallet watchen, mutha fuckers!!!
Thinkin they got game when all they play on is the suckas.

Here’s my dick choke as you suck. Forget them balls you get stuck
Don’t ask if I gives a fuck while on your knees don’t test your luck
There’s only one way to keep goin and that’s at keep blowen
Treat a bitch just like a bitch you fucken slut I better nutt!!!!

Now, for them Wink and Smile, while all the while knifin, mutha fuckas!!!
Sweet talkin face to face then debone your back in front of others.

Ya like followen my back where the view never change??
You can take the sack the shape shifter couldn’t rearrange
Trick don’t duck and weave, Once they start they swang
Guzzle up to the taint, nuzzle cup em’ don’t let em’ hang!!!

Grin that shit eating grin and be happy your just a little stained.
You were never worth the time… I was helpin you to maintain!

And here’s for the snitchen, honor missin, done gone heathon, mutha fuckas!!!
Bringin shame to the reign of family’s built on fathers and of mothers.

You got a special place under the covers,, so wrong you lovers
I care not the place they go nor will I let my rhyme follow flow
But, it’s here I let you know for them I got an uncle ready in store
Now, take that to court,,, its you fucken people they should deport!!!

I’m not talken on the gay’s I’m talken to those makin a fucked up maze
Eyes coverd over cloudy, Ears and mind closed loudly they lost the ways
Not knowing what they fell in was MY SHIT I skeeted from all my rage!!!

I’m callen out to all of ya’ll!! Go snatch you up any seedy bitch deceiver!!!!
Don’t stall or you’ll fall to shady maybes,,,, left so cold ya shake and shiver.
Flex they stunt and pull they front ,,,,smile and watch how quick they quiver.
Off to the “Bye And Bye” One less they bless the quest of a bloody sinner.
Hell is hot,, even in winter. and shells are shot,, even by a rooky beginner !!!


This is so far the best I've been able to break my old poetic style and flip rhyme. No beat was used but a bottle of Jim was. Hours have been invested in this bc the few poems I shared were entierly looked over and the much needed feed back wasnt comming.
Basically I don't know what Im doing wrong to cause such a "turn off" in ppl. Positive or negative critisizm will be taken and used. PLS POST

[Flipped]

I'm sittn modivated with out a reason. Tis the season of Thanksgiving and I've given all I had. Tomarrows a new beginnin for some singin. This rhyme couldnt be that bad. Some body tell me what I'm missing!!!! This is worse than losing in a battle diss Goin unheard push ta cut a wrist.

List the reasons ...... Hmmm.... To complicated for musical flow??? The punches were, so so, so they lack the blow????? Is it a battle or a rhyme throw?? I dont know.....

[Flipped]

UUUppppppp

[Flipped]

upppn

[Flipped]

Last uppp ppls. All I'm lookn for is some feed back. I truly don't know if this is good any more. I injoyed writing it and thought ya'll would find somethin to it. I want to be a wrighter and a lyricest with wide scope but writing on my own thread has me feelin Delusional

[Spoken Deity]

you need to write on shit other than killing people and fucking bitches. If you're going to, you need to be different.
Shorten up your lines a bit, a lot of stuff is stretched in there. Keep up with the multis, but work you language. If vocab isn't something you possess, than have content.

Thats all from me

[Flipped]

Whats starting to dawn on me is syllables arent counted neerly as much as timing is. I was thinking the syllables in the line made the rhyme flow in beat per measure. When actually its all in the placing of vocabulary twists that falls with in the breath. Ahhhh duh... This must seem obviouse to you who played with bars b4.... BTW Keep up with the multies???? whats a multi??:hosea:

[Cody Nash]

You got a special place under the covers,, so wrong you lovers
I care not the place they go nor will I let my rhyme follow flow

^^lines like this are ehhh... the use of the "I care not" and "nor will I"... dunno, in this type of work unless you're doing some poetry.. that shit doesn't really fly.. it just sounds kinda off when it's said outloud like you're from england or some shit..


your rhymes are okay.. but you're really repeating a lot of shit.. the "MUTHAFUCKAS!!!!" shit isn't that creative when you keep saying it as well lol..


and a "multi" is a "multi-syllable" rhyme... like "motherfuck the lame fags" and "under-cut the gay fads"... using multi-syllable rhymes makes your verse stronger and smoother to read... but the trick also is wording.. you need to work on word placement.. make sure everything said rolls right off the tounge.. if ONE words fucks up the flow it sort've puts a bump in the piece now doesn't it?? like adding words you don't need or didn't have to use was a common mistake in this OM...

I’m callen out to all of ya’ll!! Go snatch you up any seedy bitch deceiver!!!!
Don’t stall or you’ll fall to shady maybes,,,, left so cold ya shake and shiver.
Flex they stunt and pull they front ,,,,smile and watch how quick they quiver.
Off to the “Bye And Bye” One less they bless the quest of a bloody sinner.
Hell is hot,, even in winter. and shells are shot,, even by a rooky beginner !!!


^^the bolded words could've been removed for example.. also, that 2nd to the last line is just worded off as fuck... that "one less they bless the quest of a bloody sinner" << just reads off really fuckin weird... could've been done better.. you seem to be writing down lines for the sake of a rhyme... DO NOT sacrifice wording for flow.. try and even it out.. make flow dope AND wording dope.. if the wordings wack, it sounds stupid.. if the flows wack, it's not as smoothe to read.. you've got to find a way to make shit easy to read, while also maintaining wording that makes sense... make sure every line is something that could be said by any normal person.. I mean, you wouldn't ever say to someone "eyes covered over cloudy" ...no, you wouldn't.. because it doesn't sound right...



aiight.. hopefully that helps..

[LaCandy]

You're scaring the shit outta me :P
Naw, just kidding: nice job
Kinda dark isn't it?

[Flipped]

Thank You LaCandy I know I have a lot of compatition out there and a big learning curve to conquer quickly being 30 and out of the loop. Kids kinda hurt a desire to party and club (which being out with the Guys gives you so much insperation). You posting with just complament is a boost to me. I havent lost an edge!!!!!

Cry, that put together with the lessons learned just b4 is the needed "lost wisdom" to hook my next work up. You'll see my future works wrap it up into product. Along with Spokens word on played out content will bring a "Good" intresting spin ppl will have fun reading. Awsome feed back!!!!!!!!!!

[Flipped]

This write is too hard for me to re do at this point in my growth. Im puting it to the side and moving on with the insight ya'll have given me. Thank you for it yall